Pairing: AJ and Lance
Words: copyright; brittle; carve; stunt


The thing AJ regrets most afterward is having called Lance.

He should regret hurting people, and he does regret that they
missed tour dates.  And he definitely regrets his whole fucking
life.

But not nearly as much as leaving the message on Lance's machine.

It'd been short.  Just, "Hey.  This is me.  You know that problem
that isn't a problem?  It's a problem.  I'm gonna be gone for a
while.  Don't worry.  I didn't tell anyone about you."

Lance can't go visit AJ.  And he can't be there when he comes back. 
And he sure as hell doesn't see him at any of the celebrity
functions, which is good.  For AJ.  But that Lance is there at all
-- that's not so good, either.

Lance doesn't try to contact him while he's in rehab.  Or after.

AJ figures that's because he's been broken up with.  Which, okay. 
Lance has this thing about only being associated with the best. 
And AJ's tainted now.  So that makes sense.

There's other reasons, too, but dwelling on all the reasons Lance
would dump him just makes it worse.  He's brittle right now, and
yeah, it's not like he has a copyright on bitterness, and it *is*
his fault, but still.

AJ doesn't call.  Lance tries AJ's cell, but the number's been
changed.  It's probably some sort of message.  AJ doesn't want to
see him right now.  He's supposed to be starting over.  So maybe he
needs to take some time to himself.  Lance clings to this hope for
a month.  And then he has to accept that maybe AJ needs to not ever
see Lance again.  It shouldn't be such a big thing.  They haven't
seen each other in almost three months, haven't communicated in
two.  So why does Lance feel like his heart is being carved out?

"No, thanks, Howie," AJ says, trying to get off the phone.  He
changed the number to get away from the barrage of well-meaning
people who want to check up on him, but unfortunately, there's
still people he had to give the number to, and some of them are
persistent fucks.

"I care about you, Alex.  I want to make sure that you'll be okay
there on your own this weekend.  I'm surprised your girlfriend
can't make it."

AJ isn't.  Howie doesn't know the truth, and AJ doesn't blame him
for that, since it's not like AJ'd ever worried before about
keeping things straight.  Amanda was supposed to be a fake
girlfriend, but AJ isn't real good about keeping his hands off of
flesh that's offering itself to him.  Now she's a necessity to
restore his image, according to the people who know.  With her, he
looks settled down.  Stable.  But he isn't letting her close.  He
never did before, and in any case, she drinks.

"I know you do.  And it's fine.  She had other things to do."

"I could cancel my plans..."

"Babe, I'm looking forward to having some time alone.  Really.  I
need to grout my tile.  C'mon.  You don't need to play mommy.  I'll
be fine.  If I'm not, there's all sorts of people I can call.  You
know that."

"All right," Howie says doubtfully.

AJ cheers silently.  Eventually he manages to get Howie off the
phone.

God.  He can't stand anyone these days.  Not the people who remind
him of before, not the people who are trying to be supportive, not
anyone.  Not even himself a lot of the time.  It sucks.

Lance drives past AJ's community again.  He does it at least once
a day now, usually more.  He can't get through the gate, by he can
see AJ's house from the road outside.

AJ locks the door and walks outside.  The community's gated, so
it's safe enough.  And there's a jogging path.  Exercise ought to
keep his mind off things.  He heads out.

The path goes by the main road for a while.  AJ checks it
cautiously before turning that direction, but he doesn't see the
telltale signs of cameras trained on him or of a horde of screaming
fans, so he goes for it.  It doesn't mean that there aren't people
with telephoto lenses trained on him, but hey.  Jogging's a healthy
activity.  Let 'em get photos.

Cars are whizzing by, and he thinks everything's okay until he
finds himself thinking that one of the cars looks like Lance's, and
then he knows he's still pathetic.

Lance stops his car.  "AJ," he whispers, watching the other man
jog.  He looks tired, and sick, but happier.  A little.

The car stops and AJ catches up to it.  It really does look like
Lance's car.  Right up to the fake blonde guy sitting in the
driver's seat.

"Oh, fuck," he says to himself, slowing down and stopping on the
other side of the fence from the car.  It *is* Lance.  He isn't
ready for this.

Lance stares for a long moment.  He probably looks like a puppy in
a pet store window, wishing he could go with the person looking
back.  He smiles sadly and waves.  AJ doesn't wave back and he
doesn't look happy.  Lance nods and starts driving again.

AJ's just got up the nerve to wave back when Lance drives off.  He
scrubs his hand across his face and turns around, walking home.

Obviously, he isn't over Lance.  He's told himself that it was just
about the sex.  That their time together didn't mean anything to
either of them.  But that's a lie, and really, it always has been.

When he gets home, he picks up the phone and calls Lance.

Lance scrambles inside, tossing things right and left.  He snatches
up the receiver and gasps, "AJ?"

"Yeah.  It's me.  I just... I'm sorry.  I was going to wave back,
but then you drove off.  I didn't want you to think that I was
ignoring you or anything."

"AJ, it's so nice to hear from  you."

"It is?"

"God, yes.  I've missed you."

"You have?" AJ sits down.  "I... I figured after you didn't say
anything to me after the rehab thing that you didn't want to have
anything more to do with me.  Would never have guessed that you
miss me."

"Your number changed," Lance says.  "And I couldn't seem to get a
hold of you anywhere.  I mean -- you weren't at the parties, which
is good because I shouldn't have been there either, but your number
didn't work."

"Oh."  Now he feels like a moron.  "That was my fault.  I was
getting called by all sorts of people I didn't want to talk to, and
so I changed it.  Would've given you the new number if I'd thought
about it."

"It's okay.  It was probably good for you, to have some time to
think."

"Yeah, sorta.  Except for..." AJ shakes his head.  "Never mind. 
Nothing you wanna hear about.  Time's good."

Lance slides down to sit on the floor.  "I really, really missed
you," he whispers.

"You did?" AJ can't help the needy tone in his voice.  A lot of
people have been congratulating him on getting better and telling
him they're happier to see him like this, but Lance is maybe the
only one who just missed him period.

"Yeah.  I really did.  A lot more than I thought I could."

"Thanks," AJ says, meaning it.  "I don't... I kept telling myself
that you were probably glad I was gone."

"I wasn't."

AJ clears his throat. "So. Wanna start over?"

"If you do. Yes. I'd like that."

"Yeah, me too." AJ chuffs a small laugh. "It's something I'm doing
a lot lately."

"It can be a good thing," Lance says optimistically.

"Maybe," AJ allows. "But it's a damn hard thing too."

"Yes."

AJ looks at the receiver.  "Something happen to you that you needed
to learn that?"

"Life happened, babe. It's nothing big."

AJ smiles, tight and bitter. "Yeah. 'Course not."

Lance understands feeling shut out. "You went away, and I looked at
myself and didn't like what I saw. That's what happened."

AJ nods, even though Lance can't see it. "Yeah. I get that. One of
the things I was most afraid of wasn't what the guys would say, but
if they'd feel I was forcing them to change."

"You didn't force me. I just... I drank more than you. I smoked
more than you. If you're strong enough to admit there was a
problem, why couldn't I? Especially when I was facing every morning
with another couple empty bottles in the kitchen sink."

"Good for you, babe."

"Maybe." Lance shrugs and tips his head back against the wall. "So,
yeah, I'd like to start over, but I'm not exactly stable. I don't
want to be bad for you, AJ."

"Yeah, well. I'm not talking about anything serious. Yet. I'd be
happy with just having you around for company."

"Okay." Lance smiles. "I'd like that."

"Cool."

"Um.  I'm sorry I drove away."

"Wasn't on purpose."  A pause.  "Was it?"

"Yes.  No!  I mean, yes, I meant to drive away, but I didn't know
you wanted me to stay.  I thought you didn't want to talk to me."

AJ nods.  "Misunderstanding.  We're past that."

"Good."

"So.  Let's schedule a play date.  How's this week looking for
you?"

Lance laughs.  "We're dead in the water.  I'm free."

"I've got time, too.  All the time I need.  Or don't need."

"Tomorrow?"

"Sure thing."

"Cool."

"See you then."

"Where?"

"Depends, I guess," AJ says.  "No one's likely to drop in here, if
that's a problem."

"It doesn't bother me.  After... after you went to rehab, I told my
guys we'd been seeing each other a little," Lance says quietly.  "I
was kinda down and they just kept asking.  I hope you don't mind."

"No.  That's.  That's fine.  Surprised you did, but I don't mind." 
AJ takes a breath.  "I didn't tell my guys.  I didn't think it'd
help any."

"That's okay," Lance says.  "Whatever you want is okay with me."

"You talking like a doormat isn't reassuring me."

Lance rolls his eyes.  "In regard to your *guys*," he specifies. 
"Who'm I to insist you tell your friends that you might be seeing
me as a friend?  Or that we did more before?"

"You're the guy I was with then.  You're entitled to feel something
about me not being willing to own up to you."  AJ had reasons, but
he's not going to try to justify himself.  He's past making
excuses.

Lance lets out a slow breath.  "I wasn't exactly a prime catch
then.  I don't blame you for not saying anything."

Quietly, AJ says, "I didn't want you included in the list of ways
I was screwing myself up.  Even if you were."

Lance rubs his eyes.  "That's sweet."

"Yeah, well."

"Yes.  Tomorrow, your place.  Noonish?"

"Sounds good.  See you then."

"Cool.  Goodbye, AJ.  It's good to have you back."

"Hope so."

~~~~

AJ is nervous about Lance coming over, which manifests itself in
the making of snacks.  AJ eats more these days, but the cooking
itself is busy work.

Lance buys flowers.  He feels like a total tool.  But AJ more than
deserves flowers.  He still feels like a tool.  He rings the bell
anyway.

AJ answers the door in bare feet.  He raises his eyebrow at the
flowers.

"Yeah, I'm a total tool," Lance agrees.  "Just thought you deserved
something nice."  He shrugs.

"No.  Thanks.  I like them."  AJ takes them and heads to the
kitchen.

Lance follows along.  "I like what you've done with the place," he
says.  The living room used to be all dark and cavelike.  Now it's
lighter with a huge picture window Lance doesn't ever remember
seeing uncovered before.

"I'm more of a day person now," AJ comments.

Lance laughs.  "I'm just more likely to actually sleep."

"Sleep at all, you mean?"  AJ gets a vase and fills it with water.

"Yeah."  Lance sticks his hands in his pockets and rocks on his
heels.

"I sleep better, too."  AJ takes the vase into the front room and
puts it on a table in front of the window.

Lance follows.  He puts his hand tentatively on AJ's shoulder. 
"You maybe think I could hug you hello?"

AJ stiffens, then turns around slowly.  "Yeah. If that's what you
want."

Lance folds his arms lightly around AJ and squeezes just a little. 
"Hey.  It's nice to see you."

AJ inhales deeply and relaxes, shuddering slightly.  His arms raise
to hold Lance in return.  "Good to see you, too."

Lance nods and smiles.  "It's easy to hug you.  Doesn't feel like
a step," he adds dryly.

AJ chuckles.  "If you want me to ask for your forgiveness, I will. 
In a heartbeat."

"I'm sorry," Lance replies.  "Will you forgive me for enabling you
and dragging you deeper?"

"Forgiven," AJ says instantly.  "And you weren't.  I was already
most of the way there, all by myself.  I'm sorry for using you
instead of valuing you the way I should have."

Lance asks, "Are we a Hallmark card yet?"

AJ drops his arms and steps back.  "Probably."  He nods toward the
kitchen.  "Made some snacks if you want anything."

Lance follows along, humming happily.  "I could snack."

AJ gets the plate out of the refrigerator.  "I had some time."  The
plate has three separate types of intricate appetizers.

Lance smiles.  "I totally understand.  Ooh, I love those things."

He sets the plate down for Lance.  "Want something to drink?"  He
gets down two glasses, filling his with water.

"Yes, please.  Water's good."  Lance carefully picks up one of the
little snacks and bites into it.  "Mmmm."

AJ puts the glass of ice water down next to Lance's elbow and leans
against the counter, holding his own glass.  "Getting my appetite
back was hard at first.  Didn't have much food on hand here and
what I had wasn't worth eating.  Spent some time going hungry
before I started making my own stuff."

Lance shakes his head a little.  "Yeah.  I never really cared about
being hungry.  Before I started drinking, I'd spent years teaching
myself not to be hungry."  He shrugs.  "Don't know that that had a
point.  But I like these."

AJ gives him a crooked grin.  "I get that.  Everyone else had
problems with their weight.  Not me.  Was proud of that in a
fucked-up kind of way."

"Light," Lance says enviously.  "Even now that you're eating."

"I gave up the drinking and the drugs.  But I'm still smoking," AJ
says off-handedly, by way of explanation.

"Oh."  Lance wishes sometimes that he could do something.  "I bet
that helps."

"It does.  But if I was stronger, I'd give that up, too."

"Why?"

"An addiction's an addiction.  And it's not doing good things for
my lungs."

"True."  Lance carefully doesn't think about AJ getting sick.  "So. 
What're we gonna do today?"

AJ shrugs.  "Talk? Go for a run?  I don't have anything planned."

"I'm not quite dressed for a run, so let's talk."

AJ nods.  He's not wearing his sunglasses; he's not trying to hide
anything from Lance.  He straightens up and leads the way out to
the front room and settles in a chair full in the sunshine from the
window.  He raises an eyebrow at Lance.

Lance sits in the sun with his back to the window.  "I like the
warmth, but the light hurts my eyes," he says at AJ's questioning
look.

"The sun reminds me that I've changed.  Different kind of
spotlight."

"Yeah, it is."  Lance adds, "It looks good on you.  You kinda
glow."

AJ grins at him.  "You're the one who glows.  Got a halo around you
right now."

"That's because I'm so angelic," Lance says.

"Yup."

"Why, I'm completely pure."  Lance gives his wickedest grin.

"Always liked that about you," AJ allows, nodding.

"As I recall, you liked some of my 'flaws', too.  You never seemed
to mind the blasphemy.  You know, 'God, AJ, do that again, Jesus
fucking Christ'."

"That's what I meant.  It's always fun corrupting your innocence."

Lance laughs delightedly.  "Oh, AJ.  You're a fucking Lothario."

AJ pretends to preen.  "You don't say so?"

Lance drops the teasing.  "You know I think you're the hottest
person on the planet."

AJ looks straight in Lance's eyes.  "So do a lot of people.  But I
like it from you."

Lance nods an acknowledgement.  "I'm glad."

"So.  You thinking about maybe getting back together again?"

"I think I'd like that, yeah."

AJ slides to the side of his chair.  It's an overstuffed chair,
comfortable for lounging in.  "C'mere then?"

Lance moves easily into the space vacated.  "This is cozy."

"Yep."  AJ moves until he's comfortable and then sighs.  "This is
good."  After a second, he adds, "I know this is different than
what you were expecting.  Hope you're okay with that.  I'm not the
same person this way either."

Lance puts his arm around AJ's shoulders and tips his head to rest
against AJ's.  "This is good.  This is a lot more than I was
expecting."  He sighs softly.  "It's so nice to be touched again,
and not worry about how I look.  Do I look strong enough?  Did I
get sunburned, so I look drunk?  Am I too tired, so I'm drawling?"

"I like your drawling," AJ comments.  "I listen for it when I see
you."  He gets clips of various TV appearances, Lance's among
others.  He tries not to watch Lance's.

Lance blushes.  "I try not to, sometimes.  Whenever I do now, Chris
and JC think I'm drunk."

"You don't do it much.  Not in public anyway."

"I don't mind with you, you never tease me.  Or, y'know, not mean."

"Don't see what there is to tease about.  It's cute.  It's the way
you should sound."

"Y'really think so, darlin'?"

AJ grins, nuzzling Lance's hair until he gets it pushed aside
enough to breathe into Lance's ear.  "Definitely."

Lance shivers.  "M'glad," he murmurs.

AJ's teeth brush the soft skin of Lance's ear.  "Good."

"AJ," Lance whispers.  His fingers tighten on AJ's arm, pulling him
closer as he turns to kiss AJ lightly.  Not rushing, just a
friendly brush of lips.

AJ busses Lance lightly before pulling back.  "I'm not going to
have sex with you today.  Maybe not for a while.  That's one of the
things I've been doing wrong."

"That's fine," Lance replies.  "I just like kissing you."  He pecks
AJ's nose, then grins.

"Yeah, well."  AJ strokes Lance's hair.  "Kissing's always led
somewhere for me.  I know my limits, and I can't handle that any
better than I can keeping booze in the house."

"Okay."  Lance looks at AJ.  "How do you feel about nuzzling?"

"Iffy.  Depends on how intense the nuzzling is going to get and
what you plan to nuzzle."

"Like this?"  Lance rubs his nose against AJ's once and then stops
with his cheek pressed to AJ's.  He pulls back after a moment.

"That's okay," AJ says, a little hoarse.

Lance sighs and leans against the back of the chair, watching AJ.

AJ's eyes narrow.  He refuses to let himself be pressured into
having sex to keep from losing Lance.  If it takes sex to keep
Lance, then there's not much here for AJ.  "So.  What've you been
up to?"

Lance shakes his head.  "Not much.  Did the Russia thing.  Failed. 
Tried to get back into business.  Failed.  Tried to get NSYNC back
together.  Failed."  He shrugs.  "Not too much.  I'm not...  I'm
not ready for any more than, like, kissing.  By the way.  Just, um. 
So you know."  He looks away without moving his head.

AJ captures Lance's hand, rubbing his thumb across its back. 
"Nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, well.  It's good you think so."

AJ barks a laugh.  "Tell me about it.  Celibacy isn't a choice
anyone understands, 'specially not coming from me.  Probably less
coming from you."

Lance blushes.  "The shitty part is that I really don't remember
being a slut."

"You didn't sleep with everyone who offered, no, but your public
image even now is that you're hot and available."

"Yeah, but the guys.  They say that pretty much, before you and me
started getting it on, I'd do anything I happened to be touching at
the end of the night."

AJ shrugs.  "I don't know about that.  Wasn't there to see who you
took home then.  But yeah, you had a way of curling up with the
nearest warm body when you were drunk.  It's how we got together."

"You made me feel safe, though," Lance remembers.  "Even then."

"Only thing you wanted, baby, was someone to curl up with.  I took
you to bed, yeah, but we didn't have sex 'til you were sober again. 
Or closer to it."

"I remember," Lance says quietly.  "I checked.  I looked at
calendars and everything.  I remember every time we had sex, I
think."

AJ chuffs.  "You did better than me, then.  I don't."

"I used to write about it when I got home," Lance admits.  "Because
I'm a girl, apparently, but I didn't want to forget you."

"I was a pig.  At least I didn't notch my bedpost.  'Course, that
woulda meant doing it in a bed to begin with."

"It was actually *really* good doing it on the dryer," Lance says.

AJ laughs, no longer sounding so depressed.  "That *was* fun. 
Especially since it was on at the time."

"So nice.  Like a warm vibrator."

"Not how I woulda put it, but yeah."

Lance grins.  "Have you ever seen one of those quarter 'love chair'
things?  Like the grip tests they have in lobbies, sometimes?  Only
it's a throne and you sit on it, and it vibrates, and then rates
you as a lover."

AJ arches his eyebrows.  "No."

"I shit you not, man.  They exist."

"I believe you.  I'm just frightened," AJ says, dead-pan.

"You're afraid it would rank you 'cold tamale', I understand."

AJ growls and retaliates for that by tickling Lance into
submission.  "Hah!  No way.  I'm just wondering what kind of kinky
sex you're into now."

Lance giggles, even though AJ's fingers have stopped.  He's curled
half out of the chair and panting and smiling so big it almost
hurts.  "Hee."

"You're so fucking adorable," AJ says before kissing him.

Lance kisses AJ back, and it's good and sexy and hot.  But he stops
after a minute.  "Too fast, AJ.  Don't want to rush you."  He
nuzzles his face against AJ's instead.  "We have time now."

"Yeah," AJ says huskily, pulling back and tugging Lance to rest
against him.  "We do."

Lance settles, his head comfortably against AJ's shoulder.  "I love
dating other short guys," he comments.

AJ can't find a response for that which isn't jealous and doesn't
put Lance down, so he keeps quiet.

"Like -- okay, I love dating you.  Because you're really the only
short guy I ever *dated*.  It's just nice to *fit*.  And when I was
younger, Chris was good to cuddle with, when I was homesick." 
Lance tips his head enough to smile at AJ.  "But you're better,
because you don't call me names and tease me, or run away."

"Howie's good to cuddle with, but then, so're all the other guys. 
They'd probably say that it's me that makes it hard to cuddle."

"You're very cuddleable," Lance insists.

AJ gives him a little smile.  "I'm all sharp edges.  Bony. 
Uncomfortable."

"No, you're not.  Not really."  Lance settles in demonstration. 
"See?  Your chest is smooth for my back and your shoulder is angled
for my head and you're soft in good places and firm in good
places."

AJ nuzzles Lance's hair.  "Glad you think so."

"I do, and I'm always right."  Lance pulls AJ's hands across his
chest and holds them close.

"Yeah?"

"Well, no."

AJ's shoulders shake with laughter.  "Me either."

"More fun this way."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"So.  Anything you wanna know or don't know?" AJ asks.

"I wanna know anything you wanna tell me.  Or anything you need to
tell me.  I want to be there for you."

"First off, no pop psych phrases.  I'm sick of them."

"For example?"

"'Be there for me'."

"Hey!  I was serious.  And I wasn't quoting."  Lance looks up.  "So
I'll try not to, but if I don't know about it, I might say it
anyway.  I thought you meant like 'sexcratary' or 'ain't nobody
love you like I love you'."

"Pop *psych*," AJ repeats. "Not pop."

"It's our version of psych.  I'm used to pop meaning music.  I'm
kinda dumb like that.  Anyway.  I'll try my best."

"No problem.  I figured you weren't using them the way that
irritates me -- like they're just phrases and you have to say them. 
But I'm still sick of them."

"Do they try to call you Alex, too?" Lance asks.

"Sometimes, James."

Lance wrinkles his nose.  "That would be why I went to one meeting
and left at break."

"At a *meeting*?  Huh.  It was always the shrinks who'd do that one
to me.  Them and the other staff at the rehab place.  Like AJ's a
stage name and doesn't mean me at all."

"The meeting was run by a shrink.  It happens.  It's quite possible
I didn't want to be there, too."

"Involuntary?"

"Semi?  Like, I agreed to go, but only so they'd leave me alone."

"Wouldn't've thought they'd do that to you.  Kirkpatrick, maybe. 
Chasez, definitely.  But not you."

Lance looks at AJ's hands instead of his face.  "I may perhaps have
done something stupid."

"Can't have been anything stupider than some of the things I've
done."

"That mean you'd like me to tell you what I did?"

"Nope.  Not gonna say anything that means you have to tell me."

"You're sweet.  And pop psychotic.  I was sober, going on nine
days.  Threw myself down a few flights of stairs," Lance says
tonelessly.  "Your share.  Do you *really* like dogs?  Because you
seem like a cat person to me."

AJ waves his hand.  "Not really fond of animals."

"You had those little mean dogs, though."

"Hated them."

"That's bad for the dogs.  But I'm glad.  Because I hated them,
too."

"Not bad.  They weren't abandoned by the side of the road or
anything.  They're being taken care of by people who appreciate
them more than me is all."

"Lance is getting sleepy, very sleepy.  I think it's the sun,"
Lance murmurs.

"Lance can go to sleep then."

"Sleep with AJ?  Like this, I mean."

"Yeah.  If you get too heavy, I'll wake you up."

"Aje?  I really like you a lot.  In here."  He taps AJ's hand where
it lays over his heart.

"Good.  I'd like it if something good came out of the nightmare of
the past.  Especially if it's you."

"Ditto."