SUMMARY:  NSYNC/Backstreet Boys.  Brian, Lance.  Profanity,
slashiness.  Brian switches bodies with Lance, and gets a shock. 
Slash is in the mind of the beholder.

ARCHIVE:  Please.  As often as possible and wherever you like.


Powerpuff Girls Are Not Hot, by Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)


When Brian woke up to the sensation of the world moving underneath
him, rather than in the nice firm unmoving hotel bed he'd gone to
sleep in, his first assumption was that he was on his tour bus. 
Not that he was supposed to be on the bus.  If his memory was
correct, they were in Akron for another day.  But it wouldn't be
the first time a tour blended together until he couldn't remember
whether he or Nick was supposed to be the cute one.

Sitting up and hitting his head *was* a surprise though.  "Ow! 
Dang!"

"You all right?"

He laid back down.  "No."

Fingers ran gently through his hair, over the area he'd bumped. 
"Doesn't seemed to be bleeding.  We can get the doc to check you
out if you want though, Lance."

*Lance?*  He turned his head.  Joey Fatone was standing next to the
bunk.  The bunk?  Brian closed his eyes and hoped this all was a
dream.  He was dreaming that he was Lance Bass and in NSYNC. 
Opened his eyes again.  Nope.  Still not a dream.  Not even a
nightmare, despite the content.  Wasn't it a bad sign when you'd
prefer a nightmare over your current reality?  "I'm fine."

Joey patted his cheek.  "Take it easy.  I'll get you something to
eat."

"Okay.  Thanks."

Joey left.  Brian looked up at the ceiling, inches from his face. 
Okay.  Assessment of the situation.  He was, for the moment and for
all intents and purposes, Lance Bass.  Which was impossible, but
impossible was probably the wrong word to be using at the moment. 
The best thing to do was to accept that this was happening and hope
that it ended very very soon.

Like before NSYNC had a concert and he was forced to admit that he
didn't have a clue how to be Bass, and they committed him for being
insane.  Because, clearly, sane people woke up every day and
claimed to be someone else.  He hoped whoever was Brian Littrell
today -- Bass? -- had come to a similar conclusion.  Rehab hadn't
been Kevin's first idea of where to send AJ, after all.

So.  Being Lance Bass.  What did he know about Lance?  Southern. 
Christian.  Dating a girl who hopefully wasn't with the tour,
because Brian didn't know anything about her other than that Lance
was dating someone.  The bass.  Blushed a lot in interviews.  Yeah,
he could do that.  He was a good ol' boy himself.  Just be nice,
polite, and well, like himself, and everything would be fine.

Right, sure.  And AJ hadn't really gotten that third piercing and
then insisted on showing it off to everyone, scarring Brian for
life.

****

Brian faked his way through breakfast by the simple expedient of
pretending not to be a morning person.  He was a morning person by
nature, but repeated exposure to AJ: "Fuck off and die, Brian" and
"What part of 'fuck off' do you not understand?" and "Come closer
and my fist will explain it to you" gave him a role model of sorts.

Which only took him so far.  What did he do with the rest of the
day?  Watch TV?  Try to find 'his' cell phone so he could call
Kevin?  Call Bass?  Call Leighanne?  Get tackled by someone, thrown
to the ground and sat on?

It turned out to be the last possibility, although not through any
choice of his.  Brian scowled, and looked up at the man sitting on
him.  "Kirkpatrick.  Get off me."

"No can do, buddy boy.  Joey says you're moping.  Not talking to
him, not working on your computer, not on your cell."

If he'd known he was supposed to be doing any of those things, he
would have been doing them.  As it was, he hadn't known it was his
computer.  It wasn't like it had a sticker on it saying, "Property
of Lance Bass, Do Not Touch," like Nick's laptop.  Although Nick's
had his name, and the addendum, "this means you, AJ".

"I've come to kidnap you.  In the event you don't come quietly,
Justin has been instructed to call Johnny to have you traded for
Ellen DeGeneres and a bass to be named later."

"I don't think you really need anyone else to sing like a girl. 
You do that well enough already."

The aforementioned girl singer didn't seem offended.  He didn't get
up either.  Brian was beginning to wonder about the nature of their
relationship.

"Hey, Joey," Chris said.  "You were right.  He is being more bitchy
than usual."

"I'm being what?" Brian asked, indignant.  *He* was the one who'd
been attacked.  The other two ignored him.

"Told you so."

"Yeah, well, help me escort the prisoner to the other bus, willya?"

Joey shrugged, stood up, peeled Chris off Brian, then offered Brian
a hand.

Brian took it, and found himself tugged up -- and over Joey's
shoulder.  "Hey!"

"Where do you want him?"

Chris cackled gleefully.  "Couch.  We have a fine day of
deprogramming planned."

"Movies?"

"Something even better.  Cartoons!"

Joey turned back toward his own bus, and called to the driver, who
was standing next to it, smoking.  "I'll be right back, Frank. 
Don't leave without me."

The driver nodded, as Chris pouted.  "Spoilsport."

"That's what you say now, but you're the one who ran screaming when
I wanted to watch 'Evita'."

"I've got one word for you, Joe.  Madonna.  No one should be forced
to endure that."

Joey mounted the steps, picked his way through the clutter, and
dumped Brian on the couch.  In JC's lap.  "Here you go.  And I
don't want him back until he's acting like a normal person again."

Brian pulled himself away from JC, overbalancing and falling
against Justin, who didn't flinch, just wrapped an arm around him. 
"So basically never," Justin said.

Joey laughed and left.  A few minutes later, the bus was rolling
again.

Trapped.  Brian sat up straight, hands primly folded in his lap,
trying very hard not to touch either of the men sitting next to
him.  Which was when JC laid down with his head in Brian's lap,
like he was about to open up Brian's pants, pull out his -- no!
NSYNC was not going to force him to think nasty gay thoughts --
like a cat demanding to be petted.  Right.  Like a cat.

Chris turned the TV on.  "Let the brainwashing begin!"

Brian had never seen the Powerpuff Girls before.  He never wanted
to see them again.  Bad animation, cheesy plots, and a simply
incredible amount of the color pink.

JC turned his head, causing Brian to swallow, hard.  "Which
Powerpuff Girl do you think is the hottest?"

They had names?  Grown men actually cared about things like this? 
"None of them."

"None of them?"

"No.  I don't like them."  He didn't care whether the real Lance
Bass actually did like them.  There were some things you just
couldn't fake.

JC turned his head again, making Brian shiver.  No.  He was not
thinking about this.  He was cold.  That was it.  Cold.  Blanketed
by two members of a rival boyband.  Yeah, like that was likely.

He closed his eyes, and prayed that he'd fall back to sleep and
wake up in his own body.

****

Brian woke up from his nap in a hotel room that looked suspiciously
like his.  After the morning he'd had though, he wasn't taking
anything for granted.  He ran for the bathroom, and whooped loudly
in relief when he saw his own familiar face.

"I'm back!  I'm me, I'm me!  I'm me!"  He did a victory dance
around the bathroom.  "It's so good to be me!"

"Er, who else were you expecting to be?" Kevin asked.

Brian froze mid-step and looked at the door.  Kevin and Howie were
staring curiously at him.  "Um, long story?"

Nick stuck his head in.  "I want to hear it!"

Brian came out.  AJ was sitting on his bed.  "I... um..."

The others followed him.  Kevin laid a hand on his shoulder.  He
was wearing his concerned expression.  Brian felt a deep
foreboding.  "Would this have anything to do with why you tried to
hit Nick earlier?"

"I hit Nick?"

Nick nodded.  "And you told me to shut up about Justin.  You were
really mean about it, too.  I thought you *liked* my Justin jokes."

"Of course I like your Justin jokes.  I--"

AJ cleared his throat.  "Bri, when I pulled you off Nick, you told
me I was more fun when I was drinking."

"I didn't."

"You did," Kevin confirmed.  "After that, well that's why we
thought it was best if you were left alone.  Then you started
screaming, and we came in."

He sat down.  "Why... what...  I'm going to kill Lance."

"Lance?"

Brian glanced at them.  "Um, well, this is going to sound strange,
but... when I woke up this morning, I wasn't me.  I was Lance Bass. 
Y'know.  NSYNC."  Heads nodded, and encouraged, Brian went on, "It
was awful.  I mean, I didn't know what to say, or what to do.  I
couldn't tell them, because they would've thought I was crazy.  And
they're all homosexual!  Every last one of them.  NSYNC is
completely insane!"

Nick looked at AJ who looked at Howie who looked at Kevin.  "Calm
down, Brian."

"Calm down?"  He jumped to his feet.  "Don't tell me to calm down. 
You have no idea what kind of day I've had.  There was kissing and
touching -- bad touching! -- and they were *lounging* on me..."

AJ arched his brows.  "Sounds interesting."

Brian grabbed the nearest thing -- a bag of M&Ms lying on the
nightstand -- and threw it at AJ.

AJ caught it one-handed and opened it.  "Thanks."

"Now, Brian," Kevin said, after glaring at AJ.  "Be reasonable. 
It's impossible to switch bodies with someone, and even if you had,
and I'm not saying you did, you seem, well, a little fixated on the
idea of NSYNC being gay."

"What are you trying to say, Kevin?"

"Just... maybe you should talk to someone about this?"

"I don't need to talk to anyone.  I'm perfectly fine!  They're the
ones who're crazy, not me!"  Brian stomped into the bathroom. 
Slammed the door shut.  Locked it.  Unlocked it.  Opened the door,
stomped back out, opened the top drawer of the nightstand, then the
bottom one, grabbed the hotel Bible, slammed both drawers shut, and
went back into the bathroom.

"Well, that was interesting," Howie said.

"Probably not a good time to tell him Kevin's gay, huh?"

Without taking his eyes off the door, Kevin reached over and
whapped Nick.

****

They'd switched back just in time for sound check.  Lance waited
until after the concert to tell them what had happened, pulling
Joey to join him with the others on the three-man bus.

"You swapped bodies with Brian Littrell?  Cool."

"And we didn't notice?  Damn.  Think of all the things we could
have done to him, all the ways we could have fucked with his head. 
Talk about your missed opportunities."

Lance arched an eyebrow.  "So, Brian was in my body for a entire
day and you guys didn't notice anything different about me?"

"Not really."

"No."

"Me neither."  Joey shrugged.  "You just broke up with your
girlfriend.  You got a right to be depressed, man."

"Yes."  Everyone looked at JC, except JC, who eyed Lance
reproachfully.  "You told me you didn't think any of the Powerpuff
Girls were hot."

"That's because none of them are hot."

JC pouted.

"Yes, it's clear, his brain has been replaced," Chris intoned. 
"Call Backstreet!  Arrange a transfer immediately!  Brain surgeon
to the tour bus, stat!"

Lance smirked.  "Mojo Jojo is the hottest."

"Never mind.  False alarm.  It's our Lance."

Justin went back to his video game.  "Dude, you are obsessed with
villains."

Chris tackled him and sat on his back, making Justin squawk and
drop the controller.  "There's nothing wrong with being obsessed
with villains.  Villains are very sexy.  There's a reason there's
always an evil Bond girl."

Joey wrapped his arm around Lance, and propped his feet up on the
wrestling duo.  "It's good to have you back, man."

"Good to be back.  Backstreet Boys are weird."

JC laid down, putting his head in Lance's lap, and curling up
around him.  He yawned and closed his eyes.  "I hear they're all
gay."

Joey poked Lance.  "That true?  You'd know now."

"Nah," Lance said.  "Then they might be interesting."


-the end-