NOTE:  Okay, so I know this is silly and nonsensical.  Obviously,
I read way too much Dr. Seuss as a child, since this rhyming
affliction seems to spontaneously descend on me and force me to
write bad poetry.  (The truly sad part is that this stuff flows
trippingly off of my tongue, while my actual serious writing
project has been like sweating blood lately.)  However, also in the
tradition of all the worst poets (my place in history is only
slightly below the Vogons), I will infict it on the largest number
of people possible.  Oh, yes.  I almost forgot.  This is supposed
to be humorous.  That means not taking me seriously if I'm
inadvertantly offensive.  ;)

Thank you, thank you.  Don't throw large heavy objects.



The Epic Saga of How "Only Human" and "PropinQuity" Came To Be, by
Mercutio (mercutio@europa.com)


Q lost his powers
and became a man
thrown out of the Continuum
without any plan.

Picard rejected him
and the world seemed cold.
All Q could think of
was being forced to grow old.

"If you'll excuse me,"
Q said with a smile
"I'll kill myself now
it'll only take a while."

"But why would you do that?"
the population moaned
"there so much to do here"
and "if only we'd known."

With a knife, with a mug
with a water-filled bath
with the candlestick in the study --
you do the math.

Each try was a failure
and Q grew more depressed.
"When will I ever escape from life?
Oh, what a hell of a mess."

Then along came the writers
First one, then two
each determined to save him
from feeling blue.

The first writer loved hurting him
and making him cry
so that she could save him
and not let him die.

Her plan was simple,
although long and complex
she created a Vulcan psychiatrist
with whom he'd have sex.

Of course, only after Q had learned
a few simple things
about being nice to people
and not hurting their feelings.

But that plot took too long
and was entirely too sad
for our second writer
and she got mad.

She said, "I'll save him from angst
and let him have sex
I'll make up a programmer
for him to vex."

"She'll be bouncy and cute
and like witty banter.
She'll save him from death;
she's quite the enchanter."

Twenty eight chapters
this epic work went,
til Q was saved
and back to the Continuum he went.

However, that's not the end
there's still more to be done
PropinQuity is finished
but not Only Human.

It's gone three chapters
and Q's still in a funk
but we know he'll feel better
when he lives less like a monk.

That's in chapter four, I think,
so send Alara more pleas
to write a little faster
and with a little more sleaze.

The spin-offs are innumerable
so many writers trying
with illustrious stories
to keep Q from dying.

If you're having trouble remembering
which story is which
I have a little reminder
to keep straight which is which.

Only Human's the epic
the beginning and the best.
T'Laren stars as the tamer of Q,
an impossible quest.

PropinQuity's the long one,
Q has sex and a child.
Naomi's the Mary Sue in this story
and she's really quite wild.

InseQurity's the follow-up,
the story retold again.
Naomi's in this one
but it's about the Starfleet Security men.

The Q Who Fell To Earth is original,
Riller lands Q on Risa, quite rich,
Jeanita's bright idea,
from the other stories, a switch.

Why the fascination
with a human Q?
What do godlike beings have to do
with me and you?

The answer, I think,
for me at least
lies in powerlessness and death
and the nature of the beast.

To be made only human
and to think that strange
allows a new view of living
with all its joy and pain.

For surely, it's not the money that makes us write
no matter the amount
since the characters, every one,
belong to Paramount.


-the (mercifully) end-