Pairing: Lance and JC
Words: live; wet dream; indigo; aphrodisiac


So the way it happened was this.

Not all the guys liked Lance very much when he joined NSYNC.  Joey
tended to punch him in a way that Lance didn't think was very friendly
even though Joey always laughed when he did it.  And Joey told
loud, frequently dirty, jokes that left Lance feeling more left out
than before.  Chris was... impossible to pin down.  Literally. 
Working two jobs, Chris was hardly ever around Lance except to work
at his third job of being part of NSYNC, and Lance always felt like
Chris was watching him with an air of, 'He might do if someone
kicks him in the ass hard enough'.  And Justin was himself, younger
than Lance, but effortlessly golden and talented and worse, Chris
liked him.  Lance felt most of the time like a barely tolerated
annoying younger sibling dragged along on his big sister's big
date.

Pretty much like he had with Stacy, really, except he was fairly
sure that Stacy *couldn't* send him back and get a new brother,
while the guys could if they wanted.

So it was bad and it would have been worse, except.

Except JC was nice and always polite to Lance, which was something
he would have more expected out of Justin, who was the closest
thing to a Southerner the group had other than Lance himself, but
no, it was JC, a damn Yankee, who said things like, 'Hi' to Lance
and 'please' and 'thank you' and actually stayed to listen to the
answer when he asked how Lance was doing.

And Lance didn't know if he was gay or just really really lonely,
but he had a crush on JC anyway, who was nice.  And, when you got
right down to it, you had to be really lonely before you started
having wet dreams about another guy because he did stuff like turn
the volume of the TV down while you were studying, and pass you
towels after a dance practice instead of slapping them at you the
way the others did.  But JC was that nice to everyone, just like
Chris and Joey and Justin were the way they were to everyone, loud
and boisterous and crude.

But even though JC was that nice to everyone, Lance had to do
something about it anyway, because it was getting to be a problem
for him, living with JC, admiring JC, wanting more smiles, more
than just politeness.

So Lance cornered JC in the hall one night and asked him.  "JC, can
I talk to you?"

JC blinked at him.  "Sure, okay.  Anytime."

"Like right now?"

"Okay."  JC looked around.  He had his own room because he was
willing to try wedging a bed into a closet.  Lance thought it was
kinda claustrophobic, but JC seemed to like it.  "We can talk in my
room."

Lance nodded and followed JC into the closet, then sat on the bed
because there really wasn't any other choice if he wanted the door
to shut, and he did, because he was already beginning to flush red
with embarrassment.  Bad enough for JC to see that, but any of the
other guys wandering by didn't need to witness his humiliation.

JC looked expectantly at him across the length of the bed.  He had
his knees drawn up to his chest and his hands were wrapped around
his ankles.

"Well, it's just this.  I was thinking about you and stuff.  And
there's this thing.  I kinda sorta maybe have a crush on you and I
was wondering, is that was okay with you?"  The middle part all ran
together because he was talking too fast and maybe mumbling, and he
was a girl and not even a cool, tough girl like Stacy could be, but
one of those girls who put rainbow stickers on her school peechees
and wrote 'James+Josh=True Love Forever' all over them, except
those weren't girls' names and Lance really was horribly
embarrassed now and he wanted to pull one of the shirts down from
the hangers overhead and drape it over his head except JC was
nodding.

Nodding and saying, "You can have a crush on me, Lance.  It's all
right.  I don't mind."

Which seemed to Lance to mean all sorts of things, and he didn't
much remember how he'd gotten out of the closet again, except there
had been some hugging and he'd maybe cried a bit, but only a little
and, if JC noticed, he didn't mention it.

So Lance was happy for quite a while because he had a crush on JC
and JC was okay with it, and that meant that JC was bi or maybe gay
and that he liked Lance back more than a little, more than just as
an annoyance.  Because if you had a crush on someone and they knew
about it and liked you back -- and didn't deck you, which had also
been a possibility -- then that was something like admitting that
there might someday be the possibility of more.  Of JC being in
love with Lance back.

Except.

Lance let it go for a couple of years because he was 16 when he
admitted to having a crush on JC, and JC was not.  Lance got how
that could be a problem for everyone and besides, he was so tired
all the time that all he really wanted to do was curl up in a ball
and pray for death or at least pure, dark, peaceful quiet and rest,
except those things didn't exist for him or any of them anymore. 
He didn't have the energy to do anything more than be grateful that
JC still smiled at him when everyone else just seemed to get more
tight-lipped around him and Lance was sorry that he'd ever joined
the group because his chest was heaving with the effort needed to
take a breath and he could hear his pulse for a long time after
he'd stopped dancing and he knew the other guys thought he was
out-of-shape and probably lazy besides, but he didn't know how he
could work any harder, not when his heart was already trying
frantically to escape through his throat.

Then there was the lawsuit and him collapsing after a concert and
the surgery, and throughout it all, JC was unfailingly brave,
uplifting and thoughtful.  He was the one who made sure Lance and
Chris ate while they went through endless stacks of paperwork for
the lawsuit.  The one who thought of working on new music for their
next album, which not so coincidentally brought Justin out of *his*
spiral into fear and depression.  And the one who, while Lance was
recovering, never said one word about how Lance couldn't keep up
with the others, for which he was grateful, and didn't spend a lot
of time either telling him how he'd be able to keep up soon, which
Joey and Chris and Justin *did* do.  Lance was doubly grateful for
that.

So things were happening that kept Lance from saying anything to
JC, not that things ever *stopped* happening to them and around
them and, all in all, it was a long while before Lance noticed.

Lance sometimes visited JC in his hotel room after a show if they
were staying in a hotel and not stuck on a bus.  JC had usually
gotten the single back when they were all crammed in together in
Europe, and when he had, Lance would occasionally drop by.  Not too
often because he didn't want to be weird about it, but he'd do it
regularly.  He would always bring some sort of small offering,
because his momma had raised him right and because JC's face lit up
when he was given a gift.

Lance liked it that JC always looked happy to see him.

These days, they got their own rooms for the most part.  Lance had
happened to comment on someone's indigo scarf, and been immediately
presented with it as a gift.  He'd tried to decline, but the person
had been very persistent.  He hadn't wanted -- or known how -- to
explain that the reason he liked it was because it reminded him of
something JC might wear.  Lance had wrapped it up and put it a
special compartment of his bag to save for a moment like tonight
when he wanted to have something to surprise JC with, to make JC's
eyes shine with pleasure and happiness.

He pulled the scarf out of his bag, still wrapped in scavenged
tissue paper, and went to the door.  Opened it and then.

Then he saw what he had maybe always been seeing but never allowed
himself to notice.

Standing there in the doorway with the tissue-wrapped scarf in his
hand, Lance watched Chris let go of JC's shoulder.  Watched him run
a possessive hand down JC's back and the glint of something Lance
didn't want to name in JC's eyes when JC turned his head to look
back at Chris.

Hunger.  Lust.

Love.

And Lance knew then what he should have known all along, that him
having a crush on JC didn't mean that JC had a crush on Lance.

That JC had loved someone else all along and it was never Lance,
and it wasn't going to be.  And JC had always only ever been being
polite, and JC was sweet and kind and wonderful, but he wasn't
Lance's; he never would be.

JC caught sight of Lance over Chris' shoulder and smiled at him,
friendly and happy and all of the emotion that had been there when
JC'd only seen Chris was gone, washed out of JC's expression.

A smile, and Lance smiled back because he couldn't help it, but
then Chris was turning to look at what had captured JC's attention,
and Lance slipped back inside his room because he couldn't bear
facing Chris' gaze.  Face dark, knowing eyes and the maybe-smirk
that would be there when Chris noticed the package in Lance's hand,
the smirk that maybe had always been there but that Lance just
hadn't seen because he was dumb and a girl and pathetic enough to
fall in love with someone just because they'd been nice to him.

Thousands, tens of thousands of people screaming his name and
willing to do anything for him, and power and fame should be the
strongest possible aphrodisiac, but Lance was still in love with
the guy who'd said 'Hi' and 'please' and 'thank you' to him when
nobody but them and their family and friends had ever heard of
NSYNC.

He put the scarf back in his bag.  He'd give it to JC eventually,
because the scarf really was the kind of thing JC would like.

Put it back and then sat down on the bed heavily.

Lance felt like crying, but he didn't do that anymore.  He felt
like drinking, but he didn't do that before a show.  Tomorrow
night, he theoretically could, but he didn't know that he'd want
to, not when he'd be spending the night on the bus.  Busses and
drunkenness didn't mix well for him.

So it was over, not that it had ever happened, and Lance was doing
his best to forget it ever happened.  Denial worked really well for
him.  Look how well denial of the reality of Chris had worked for
him.  He could do it.  He would do it, because there wasn't any
choice.

And it did work well, at least until the concert was over and he
was back on the bus and sitting on the couch staring blankly at the
turned-off TV, and Joey came in and sat down next to him, wrapped
his arm around Lance's shoulder and said, "So you figured it out,
huh?"

Lance stiffened.  "Y'all knew all along, huh?"

"Yeah.  You're kinda obvious and I didn't want to say anything when
you were all happy with crushing on JC from afar, but yeah.  Chris
said..."

He glanced up sharply.  "What did Chris say?"

Joey looked unhappy, like maybe the bit about Chris had slipped out
accidentally.  "Chris loves JC a lot.  In a guy way, though, so
they see other people sometimes, but always girls, which means it
doesn't count or something.  I don't get that shit.  But, yeah. 
Chris considers JC like his or something.  He's always been
kinda... prickly about you.  Like he thought you were cutting into
his JC time even though it was kinda obvious that JC didn't think
of it that way.  'Cause, y'know, JC is pretty focused on Chris and
just Chris."

"Not obvious to me," Lance muttered.

"Yeah, well," Joey hadn't removed his arm from around Lance's
shoulder even when Lance had pulled away.  He shifted until his
hand was on Lance's neck, fingers gently rubbing at Lance's nape. 
"Maybe you didn't want to know."

"No.  But if I'd known, then I wouldn't have spent *years* fucking
*pining* over him."

"If it helps, I don't think JC ever knew that you, like, *loved*
him."

"I told him I had a crush on him.  How could he not know?"

"Yeah, right.  How many years ago?"

"So?"  Lance felt defensive.  "I still meant it.  Mean it."

"I know."  Joey reeled him in, snagged him with large comforting
arms that were great at holding and Lance went, let himself be
molded against Joey's chest.  Joey's right hand was still on
Lance's neck, and his left was rubbing soothingly over Lance's
back.  "It's all right.  It's gonna be all right."

Joey believed that.  Lance wasn't sure he did.  "He doesn't love
me."

"Not like that."

"Yeah."  Lance's eyes felt hot, on the edge of tears, except he
didn't cry anymore.

"Love you, Lance," Joey said, nuzzling his hair.

And that was the way it happened, except that the story wasn't
over, just the part of it with JC in it.  Joey said he loved him,
but he didn't, not the way Lance had wanted.  But he was loved. 
Not like he'd hoped JC would, not fiercely and for himself alone
and without anyone else there to share that love, and it would
never be enough, never be the same, but.

But he was loved and that was something.  Maybe.

Lance sighed against Joey's chest and closed his eyes.  Joey's face
was still pressed into Lance's hair, and maybe a tear leaked out. 
But if it did, Joey couldn't see it and so it didn't count.

"Stay for a while?" Lance asked.

"Yeah.  Long as you need."

And it wasn't a crush.  The way he felt about Joey wasn't anything
like the way he felt about JC.  But he thought maybe he loved Joey,
too.