Pairing: Howie and Kevin
Words: commence; cryptography; antics; locket


"Life sucks, and then you don't die.  So happy birthday to me, huh,
Kev?"

Kevin had come to find Howie and drag him down to make an
appearance at his own birthday party.  But the guest-of-honor was
curled up in a chair in his bedroom, holding a glass of what looked
like wine in a house that AJ was also occupying, and looking very
unready in bare feet and an unbuttoned shirt.  Kevin sat down on
the couch across from Howie, a careful distance between them, close
enough to look supportive, but not close enough to get punched. 
He'd done this before, a thousand times, maybe more.  Not usually
with Howie though.  "Okay, what's wrong and how do we fix it?"

Howie tilted the glass up to the light and took a drink out of it. 
Red wine; Kevin could smell it.  "Some things can't be fixed."

"You aren't going to find your answers in the bottom of a bottle,"
Kevin said, because he was angry that Howie would do this, that he
would start sliding into the same pit that had swallowed AJ, and
that he would drink around AJ at all.  Maybe they weren't all that
close off-stage, but he'd thought Howie and AJ at least were too
good of friends for Howie to pull something like this.

Howie raised his eyebrows.  "That's what you think this is?  I'm
not -- I wouldn't do that.  I do know better than that.  This is...
a symbol, you could say," he said, rolling the stem between his
fingertips, "of what's wrong and can't be fixed."

"This is about AJ?"

"Not the way you think it is."

"I'm lost.  Clue me in here, or come downstairs.  There's people
waiting for you."

"Of course there are.  We can't disappoint our fans," Howie said
and smiled.  He set the glass down and stood up, buttoning his
shirt with fingers that weren't at all unsteady.  He slipped on a
pair of loafers.  "How do I look?"

"Fine."  Kevin was confused, but Howie was complying, and that was
what mattered.

"Good.  Let the fun commence."

****

It was a small gathering: the band, friends, family and no press. 
Kevin and Brian had brought their wives and AJ had brought his
fiancee.  Nick came alone and spent a lot of time hanging off
Howie.

"You could have brought Aaron if you wanted," Howie said.  "I
wouldn't have minded."

"He's busy," Nick said, shrugging.  Howie felt the movement run
across his skin.

"And you're not, with your new album?"

"Yeah, well, what with the other album coming out now, too, it's
not that big of a deal anymore."

'The other album' being Justin Timberlake's.  "I'm sorry, Nick."

"For what?  You didn't do anything.  Did you talk to AJ yet?  He
said something about having a special present for you, but he
wouldn't tell me what it was."

"No, I haven't."  He leaned forward, away from the weight on his
back, counterbalancing Nick.  Nick wasn't looking at him and
couldn't see his face.  They were alone in the kitchen, and so
Howie didn't bother putting on a smile.

"He seems happy now.  I don't think he was before, not really."

"He wasn't," Howie agreed.  "Things are better for him now."

"Yeah, it's good."

"Are you okay?"

"Me?" Nick sounded surprised.  "I'm great.  I'm having a lot of fun
with the solo thing.  I mean, I miss you guys, but the music...
it's so cool getting to do my own thing, and having everything
sound like me.  I really like it."

"I'm glad," Howie said, hands flat on the table in front of him,
taking the weight.  "I'm really glad for you."

****

AJ found him out on the patio, after things had started winding
down.  They'd seen each other several times over the course of the
party, naturally, but it was the first time they'd been alone.

"Happy birthday, D."

Howie looked away from the darkness settling over the landscape. 
"Hey, yeah.  Thanks, AJ."

AJ fidgeted.  "You haven't really given me a chance to talk to you
since I got back.  Are we okay?"

He smiled gently at AJ.  "Of course we are."

"Good, that's good.  Because I don't want my best friend upset at
me over something I did.  It was something I did, right?  I know
you guys don't want to tell me all the fucked up shit I did when I
was screwed up..."

"It wasn't anything you did."

"Don't lie to me, D."  AJ was staring at him with liquid brown
eyes, and it was impossible to not see his sincerity.  "I know I
did something, even if I don't remember what."

Howie's smile didn't falter.  "Did I ever tell you I'm sorry?  For
owning a nightclub?  Because it seems in very poor taste now."

AJ shook his head.  "Yeah, you did.  And it doesn't matter.  You
aren't responsible for me, and neither is your club.  I had --
*have* real problems, and it isn't your fault."

"You seem a lot better now.  Nick was saying that you looked much
happier."

"I am."  AJ searched his face, but Howie didn't change his
expression.  AJ sighed.  "I know you're hiding something.  I'm a
big boy.  I can handle it.  I've apologized for a lot of things
already.  Whatever I did, I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Howie said, "I know."

AJ nodded.  "Okay then."  He pulled a small wrapped box out of his
pocket.  "I didn't want to give this to you earlier, 'cause I
didn't want anyone to make fun of it.  It was Sarah's idea.  I
tried to tell her that guys didn't like this kind of thing, but she
said you would."

Howie raised his eyebrows and took the box.  Unwrapped it.  It was
a crushed velvet jewelry box.  Inside was a locket.  He opened it. 
There was a tiny picture of AJ on one side, and an even tinier
picture of the whole group on the other.

"If it's stupid, if you don't like it, you can take it back. 
It's--"

Howie closed his fist around it.  "It's perfect.  I love it."

"You do?"

He nodded.  "Sarah has excellent taste.  If I don't get a chance,
make sure to thank her for me, will you?  It's beautiful."

AJ smiled at him, looking relieved.  "Great.  And, yeah, she
usually does.  Wants to marry me, doesn't she?"

"That's what I hear."

****

Brian was last, after nearly everyone else had gone, his mother
bagging up trash before she went and kissing him on the cheek. 
He'd smiled for her too, and was now hiding in the den, burrowed
into a leather couch with the lights off, hoping the few people
left would let themselves out quietly.  The performance was over;
he didn't feel up to any more socializing, and Nick's antics had
stopped being funny around 10 p.m.

"Hey, you."

Howie summoned a tired smile.  "Hey, Bri.  You and Leighanne going
home?  Thanks for coming out.  I appreciate it."

Brian settled next to him on the couch, sitting crosswise, looking
at him, knee brushing his leg.  "Leigh went home already.  I
thought maybe I'd stay behind for a minute and talk to you."

"What can I do for you?"

"Not a thing.  What can I do for you?"

Howie searched Brian's face.  He seemed perfectly earnest; not like
he meant the remark flippantly or sarcastically.  "I'll be fine. 
You can go home.  There's nothing you can do."

"Yeah, well..." Brian shrugged.  "I didn't think there *was* much
I could do.  Except be a friend.  I haven't been that much.  I
didn't think -- until tonight, I didn't notice what was going on. 
And then I did, and I thought maybe it would be better if you knew
someone cared."

"Didn't notice what?" Howie asked, even though he didn't want to
hear the answer, didn't want to hear any more of Brian's awkward
speech.  "Really, it's all right.  Don't you think AJ seems happier
now?"

"He's happy," Brian agreed.  "I'm happy for him.  I would have been
happy for you, too."

"You're not happy for me now?"

Brian shook his head.   "You're not.  Happy, that is.  He doesn't
remember, does he?"

"There's nothing to remember."  Howie had been practicing denial
for so long, it was more than an art form.  It was cryptography,
and every meaning was hidden and changed.  He thought the code was
obvious, but no one had bothered to take the minimal effort needed
to decipher it.

Except Brian.  "I think it's something to you."  He pointed at the
locket swinging around Howie's neck.  "And to AJ."

"Sarah picked it out."

"Oh."  Brian clasped his arm warmly, then let go.  "I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for.  Because nothing happened." 
Howie smiled at Brian, to let him know that he was okay, that the
show would go on, that his life wasn't over because someone he
loved had forgotten one drunken encounter that meant everything to
Howie, even though it was.

Brian reached out and pulled him into a hug.  "For what it's worth,
he loves you."

He resisted the pull.  "I know.  You all do."

Brian stroked his hair.  "I know I do."

Howie closed his eyes and went limp, taking in the feeling of the
hand in his hair and Brian's solidness against him.  He didn't cry;
it was too late to cry over it, even if he was a crying sort of
person.  But he no longer felt the need to smile either.