Pairing: Justin and Howie
Words: context; frugal; fruit salad; cutting


"Um, Justin?"

The bedraggled figure on the other side of the door wasn't the last
person Howie expected to see, but he came close.  "What are you
doing here?  How did you get here?"

"I... can I come in?"

Howie nodded and stepped back.  Justin slinked by him, conveying an
impression of whipped puppy.  Smelled a lot like wet puppy, too. 
"I'll get you a towel."

Justin nodded.  Howie came back and found him hunched near a wall,
keeping it at his back.  Howie handed him the towel, and watched
him run it over his head.  "Mind telling me now?  I mean, we aren't
exactly friends, and I didn't really expect to see you now -- or,
well, ever."

"I needed someplace to go that no one would think to look for me. 
And Chris... Chris talks a lot when he's drunk, so I thought maybe
you...  I mean, I can go if you don't want me here."

He sounded tired.  And whatever NSYNC was to him, to Backstreet, it
didn't make Justin a threat.  Even if Howie was going to have to
have a word with his security people.  "No, it's all right.  You
can stay for now."  He tried a smile.  "It's not like Nick doesn't
show up at random occasionally."

Justin's eyes darted around.  "He's not here now, is he?"

"No... are you in some kind of trouble?"

That drew a laugh, but the wrong kind, hollow and grating.  "Not
exactly.  I just..."

"Yes?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Maybe.  It depends on what it is.  Some things shouldn't be kept
a secret.  If you've hurt someone or someone hurt you, then..."

Justin dropped the towel on the floor, and edged sideways toward
the door.  "Okay, yeah.  I understand.  No problem.  Just...
like... I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone I came
here, okay?  I didn't..."

Howie was really worried now.  "What?  Please, tell me what's going
on?"

"You don't want to know.  Really."

The other man was clearly frightened of him, and Howie didn't know
why.  He was getting the impression, though, that if he didn't do
something, Justin was going to disappear and no one was going to
see him again.  Not whole anyway.  The last time he'd gotten this
feeling, he'd found Nick in the bathroom of his hotel cutting into
his wrist with an Exacto knife.  "I do want to know."

"Not this."

Howie laid his hand on Justin's forearm.  The skin was cold, and he
was trembling.  "You came here for a reason.  I don't pretend to
know why, but I'm guessing it's because I'm outside whatever the
problem is, and that I seem safe to you."

"Yeah."  Justin calmed a little, looking down but not meeting his
eyes.

"Okay."  Howie let go of him and grabbed a woven blanket from the
couch, then brought it back and wrapped it around Justin, who
clutched tightly at it.  "So what's wrong?"

"Promise you won't tell anyone."

Howie shook his head, and kept his eyes on the other man, trying to
project sympathy.  "I can't do that, Justin.  If you need help..."

"That's not... look... there's people who could get hurt if I
said... and maybe it was my fault anyway.  I shouldn't have.  No. 
He shouldn't have.  And.  Fuck!"

Yes.  This was a lot like Nick.  Except Nick had been breaking
things, and Justin looked terrified even of Howie.  Howie didn't
really like the things that brought to mind.  He was taking
Justin's behavior out-of-context, that was what it was.  If he knew
what was going on... no.  The terror was still strange.  No one was
ever scared of Howie.  "I'm not going to tell anyone anything
unless it's to stop someone from getting hurt or to make sure that
someone isn't hurt in the future."

Justin looked up for the first time, and met Howie's eyes
defiantly.  "Even if I told you I was gay?"

Howie stuck out his hand.  "Congratulations.  So am I."  Justin
didn't shake it, and Howie let his hand drop.

"Oh," Justin said numbly.  He looked shocked, and ready to
collapse.  "I didn't...  I'm sorry."

"You haven't done anything.  There's nothing to be sorry for. 
Especially not that.  Do you feel like sitting down yet?"

"I guess."

Howie led him over to the couch, and sat him down, then sat down a
safe distance away from him.  Justin's knuckles were visible
outside the blanket, holding it tight around him.  He stared
straight ahead, not looking at Howie.

He waited patiently, and was rewarded when Justin started to talk.

"Chris is dating a guy.  You know.  Em-- and he's really
homophobic.  The guy, not Chris.  And it's not that Chris can't
take care of himself, 'cause he can.  I wasn't worried about Chris. 
I just thought that maybe I shouldn't be over there all the time,
'cause it might make it harder for Chris and the guy if the guy had
to always be thinking that, y'know, I was thinking he was Chris'
boyfriend or something."

Howie nodded.

"I couldn't hang out with Joey, because he's always with Bri and
Kelly when he isn't doing movie stuff, and even if Lance would want
to hang out, he's in Russia, and well, there's other people too,
y'know, who aren't in the group, but when you get right down to it,
they're the only ones who really *understand*, y'know?"

"Fruit salad," Howie said wisely.

"Um, what?"

"Something AJ says about us.  When we're all apart, we're just a
bunch of fruits, but when we're together, we're fruit salad."  He
smiled, then looked at Justin.  "I suppose you had to be there."

"No, I think I get it.  Kinda like how if you saw JC by himself in
one of his outfits, or thought about Chris with his fashion design
company or Lance with his Dr. Seuss obsession, or, well, a million
things, you'd say, 'gay', but if we're all together and all doing
it, it looks kinda normal.  Well, music biz normal anyway."

"Exactly.  So you couldn't hang out with your guys, and...?"

"Well, no.  I couldn't hang with Joey or Lance or Chris, but that
just meant JC.  And JC's pretty cool, except for the frugal thing
and the weird hair.  We can really talk about music, and so no
prob, right?  And his boyfriend's been around for a while, and he's
okay with the being gay thing."

Justin shivered.  Howie hesitated for a moment, then reached out
and laid his hand on Justin's leg.

He tensed.  "Um..."

Howie withdrew.  "I didn't mean..."

"No, I know.  I mean, I wouldn't have come here if I thought... but
I thought that he was... and I don't.  Just please don't."

"I won't touch you."

"Thanks."

Justin's voice was very small, and Howie was suddenly completely
and utterly certain of what had happened, and he wanted very much
to be the kind of scary person who could deal with the person who
had done this to Justin.  But that was all right.  He knew two
people who were exactly like that.  Kevin would want an
explanation, but AJ would help him commit a murder *and* hide
the body, no questions asked.  Not that it had come up until now.

Howie set his hands ostentatiously on his legs.  "What happened
when you went to see JC?"

"He wasn't home.  Just-- his boyfriend.  I didn't.  We don't talk
a lot, 'cause well, up until the space thing, when we weren't
really busy, everyone just wanted to do their own thing, and that
was cool, because you need time when you aren't always doing
something.  But now, even with me recording and the publicity stuff
that Chris and JC have been doing and Joey's movie thing, we've
pretty much got all the free time we need, and... well, yeah.  Not
important.  Just I hadn't talked to him much and I didn't really
think it meant anything when he said he wanted to talk to me and
get to know me.  'Cause I thought he wanted to, y'know, get to know
the people JC spends all his time with.  It made sense.  Normal
stuff that normal people do.  Not that we're normal, not anymore,
but I was cool with it.  Except he wasn't... he didn't want to talk
to me.  I mean... he wanted to talk *to* me.  Talk at me. 
Yell at me.  He was mad at me.  At all of us.  At NSYNC.  For doing
stuff to JC.  Except JC's happy.  He would've said something if he
wasn't happy.  I think.  C doesn't talk as much as Chris or me or
even Joey, but he knows we'd listen if he was upset about
something.  And God, it's not like anyone can get JC to do anything
he doesn't want to do."

Howie nodded and gripped his thighs to keep from reaching out to
reassure Justin.  He could tell Justin stories about the way Mandy
had treated Nick, if it weren't a breach of Nick's privacy and if
he didn't think doing so would interfere with Justin's story, now
that he was finally talking.

"I didn't get it.  Not until he was touching me.  Putting his hands
on me and saying these things about how we were probably all doing
JC and he just wanted to get back what was rightfully his, and it
didn't make any sense.  What he was saying.  It was stupid.  And I
should have hit him.  I should have pushed him or left or did
something.  I should have known that he was.  That he was."

Justin let go of the blanket and reached up to scrub at his face. 
Howie got the Kleenex and gave the box to him.  Justin thanked him
and blew his nose.  He wasn't crying, not yet.

"I didn't want it," Justin continued.  "But I must have 'cause I...
and he did it.  He... I didn't get away.  And it's not like he hit
me much or my arms were broken or anything."

"It wasn't your fault."

"You don't even know what it is."

"He raped you."

Justin was silent for a moment.  "Yeah.  He did."

"And you came to me."

Justin nodded.

"Do you think he's going to come after you?  Was that what you were
scared of?  Are scared of?"

He shook his head.  "No.  Not really.  I just... if I went to one
of the guys, they'd know.  And JC would know.  I just... I can't
tell him that I.  That.  It would be wrong."

"I think JC should probably be the first to know that his boyfriend
is a rapist.  He could be in danger."

"But he wouldn't -- the guy wouldn't have done anything if it
weren't for me."

"Or he might have been hurting JC the whole time he's been with
him."

Justin's eyes widened.  "No.  He can't-- we can't-- not JC."

"I think you need to talk to JC."

"What if--"

"If?"

"What if he doesn't believe me?  I mean... I'm wrecking his
relationship with this guy over something that... I could've. 
I..."

Howie sighed.  "You have to tell him.  Would it be easier if you
talked to one of the others first?  Chris, maybe?  I have to tell
you, I do know Chris well enough to say that he wouldn't be very
happy with JC's boyfriend, no matter what you think happened.  He's
the kind of person who sides with his friends first, last and
always."

"Yeah.  I know.  That's one of the reasons I didn't want to bug him
when E-- when his boyfriend was visiting.  'Cause I didn't want him
to pick me over him if there was a fight or something.  And I knew
he would, 'cause he's Chris.  He would have chosen me even if it
meant being unhappy for the rest of his life."

"Do you want to call Chris then?"  If Justin didn't, Howie would. 
He knew the number.

"Yeah.  I suppose.  I just... it kinda defeats the purpose of
hiding out here if I call one of the guys, y'know?"

"Except you knew that Chris and I keep in touch.  You had to know
that we're fairly close, and that I'd feel obligated to tell him
about you."

Justin regarded him levelly.  "Yeah, I guess I did.  I'm sorry.  I
came here, but I... it wasn't really you I wanted to see."

"It's all right.  The important thing is that you talked to
somebody."  Howie still had nightmares some nights of what might
have happened if he hadn't walked into that bathroom.  He very
nearly hadn't.  And if he hadn't, no one would have.  Not that
night.

Justin wasn't his, but Nick was, and while Howie didn't know who
Justin belonged with, he was happy to keep him safe until that
person found him.

He gave him the phone, and watched while Justin dialed Chris'
number.