Pairing: Lance and Justin
Words: afterglow; miserly; abduct; collusion


It's only in the afterglow of several really good orgasms, lying in
bed, long after Justin's left, that Lance realizes it.  Justin has
abducted his ferret.

Justin's not really surprised when the phone rings.  After all,
it's taken Lance a *really* long time to notice.  "Yes?"

"Why?" Lance demands.

"He smells funny.  And he hates me."

"And therefore you wanted to spend more time with him?  Justin,
that makes no sense."

"Yes.  If I'm the only one who feeds him, he'll have to like me. 
But he's not here right now."

Lance is beginning to get worried.  "What did you do to Dirk?"

"*I* didn't do anything to him."

"Where is he?"

"He's at a ferret salon."

"A ferret *salon*?"

"Yeah.  They're gonna make him less stinky and brush him and trim
his little claws and stuff."

Lance blinks.  "So really, you're being extra-nice to him."

"Kinda?  Except that I abducted him."

"There is that."

"Well, uh.  Lance, I totally dig you.  But I cannot stand your
smelly little pet.  I just can't."

"He's not smelly.  He's just... uh."

"Smelly.  He's smelly.  He's got smelly *glands*.  The salon is
gonna fix it, though."

"*How* are they going to fix it?"

"They're, um.  Going to.  Removethestinkyglands."

"They're *what*?"

"Look, it won't really hurt him!  They're just gonna remove the
little glands that make the stinky oil."

"Justin, do you have any idea how angry I am right now?  Because if
you did, you'd be finding your passport and leaving the country. 
Do you understand me?"

"Yes."  Justin tries to sound really, really sorry.  "It's just
terrible, Lance.  He smells so *bad*.  And, and, and!  I'll buy him
a lady ferret, okay?"

Lance massages his temples.  "You're not getting the point.  Yes,
it's reasonable that you'd want to make Dirk unstinky.  But I'm
very unhappy with the idea that I might wake up and find that all
my animals have been neutered or mated, or whatever else you get it
in your head to do to them.  There's this concept that's just
completely escaping you here.  It's called asking first."

"You wouldn't have let me do it," Justin says.  "And you neutered
my dog without asking."

"I did not."

"You did, too.  You took him to the vet and neutered him, and then
dropped him off at Chris's house."

"It was Chris' idea?" Lance tries.

"Apparently, you thought it was Chris's dog, too.  Though how you
thought his dog got in *my* house is beyond me."

"Chris is always leaving stuff at your place," Lance says
defensively.

"At least I didn't have your ferret's nuts cut off."

"At least my ferret isn't off knocking up every bitch around with
its godawful ugly spawn."

"That *was* Chris's dog.  My dog didn't knock up anybody's bitch."

"That's not what Britney said."

"Britney got knocked up by Chris's dog?"

Lance rolls his eyes.  "Her poodle.  And it wasn't Chris' dog.  It
was *your* dog."

"But that was *planned*.  Dude.  She *watched* them.  It was a
*plan*."

"That's not what she says."

"Yeah, but she hates me now."

"Look.  You know what?  I don't care.  Just bring Dirk back, and
I'll forget the whole thing."

"He's at the salon."

"When he's done at the salon," Lance says impatiently.

"Okay.  Um.  That's tomorrow."

"Then I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

"Lance?  Do you hate me?"

"No.  Of course not."

"You don't?"

"Not at all."  And if he's hoping Justin will get into a collision
on the way to the salon, well then, that's just fine.  It's not
like Justin's miserly with his cars.  He has the nice big expensive
kind that will cost a lot to fix.

"Oh.  Thanks.  'Cause Brit always hated me when she yelled at me,
and, y'know.  That kinda hurts."  Justin shrugs even though Lance
can't see.  "So, um.  Thanks.  For not hating me."

Lance feels a tiny little pang at that.  Just a tiny one.  "No," he
says more sincerely, "I really don't hate you.  I'm just a little
pissed right now."

"Okay.  I'll be there at two tomorrow.  With Dirk.  And his new
manicure.  Whoo."  Justin quietly says goodbye and hangs up.  Well,
that went well.

Lance feels bad when Justin hangs up.  They haven't been together
all that long and they aren't even really officially together.  Not
in the sense of either of them having acknowledged it out loud.

He makes a call and has flowers sent to Justin.  Whether or not
he'll admit it, Justin is a big, mushy romantic.  They all know
that after having watched him try to woo Britney.

****

The next morning, Justin dresses nicely.  He even wears a suit
jacket, so he can tuck one of the roses Lance sent into the button
hole.  He's grinning and happy when he picks up Dirk.  A very happy
looking ferret he is, too.  He also buys everything the lady says
a ferret could want.  Dirk does even bite him once while being put
into the cage.  Justin is happy.  Then he gets in his big car with
half an hour for the twenty minute drive the Lance's house.

Justin arrives at the door an hour late.  He comes with a limp, a
broken flower, and -- thankfully -- a still very happy ferret.  And
his toys.  Justin rings the doorbell.

Lance opens the door, barefoot.  "Justin-- you look... are you all
right?"

Justin pants and holds out the cage.  "Uh.  I'm down one Mercedes. 
But, look, happy Dirk!"

Lance takes the cage and puts it aside.  Then he reaches out and
tugs Justin inside.  "Thank you.  But are you all right?"

"Mostly, yep.  Just kinda bruised my knee."

"Good."  Lance hugs him.

Justin hugs back.  "Thanks."

"Come upstairs with me," Lance says, pulling back enough to give
Justin a steady, heat-filled look.  "I wanna check you out
thoroughly.  Make sure you're really all right."

Justin smiles.  "We should let Dirk out, first."

"Screw Dirk," Lance says, and takes Justin's hand to lead him
upstairs.

"No.  Pet Dirk.  Screw *me*."

"Forget about Dirk.  I just want you."