Pairing: AJ and Chris
Words: other-worldly; peevish; Dr Seuss; blush


*And it's one more day up in the Canyon 
And it's one more night in Hollywood*

It's another night out in Hollywood.  Clubbing is less fun without
the alcohol, but AJ's a party kind of guy at heart.  He likes
people, likes dancing, likes music and noise and fun.  Less fun is
not the same as no fun.

Sarah's got a gig out of town, and he's got a charity golf thing to
do, so he stayed.  They have an understanding about these things;
he's a sexy guy and he has needs.  As long as he comes back, she's
okay with what he does in the meantime.  She'll always come first,
and that's enough for her.  It works for him, too; he has one tie
already binding him in a stranglehold.  He's married to the
Backstreet Boys; he isn't going to make that kind of commitment
again to anyone.  AJ believes in love, but he doesn't believe in
forever.  He knows better than most people that a lot of times what
you get is 'good enough'.

The lighting in the club is uneven, and he isn't sure at first that
he's bumping into who he thinks he's bumping into, but the arm
wrapping around his throat is a giveaway.

"Hey, man," Chris says against his ear, then lets go, and slaps his
arm.

"Hey," AJ says.  "How're you doing?  You in town for the golf
thing?"

"Yeah," Chris says, and he's leaning in close to AJ because it's
loud and that's the only reason they're brushing together, he's
pretty sure, except Chris is looking at him, and AJ knows that kind
of look.

Knows how to deflect it, too, let it pass by.  But he gives Chris
the same kind of look back and says, "I'm on my own 'til then.  You
doing anything else while you're in town?"

"Staying with Justin," Chris says, and he's staying close, "but
he's busy, so nothing all that interesting.  You?"

"I'm at loose ends," AJ says.  "Maybe we could get together, do
something."

"Maybe," Chris says, and it's as good as a promise.


*I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself 
To hold on to these moments as they pass*

The sex is good.

AJ takes Chris back to his place, and Chris doesn't comment on
Sarah's stuff lying around.  But then, one of his bandmates
collects Dr. Seuss stuff and wants to go into space, and one of the
others is Chasez who gives a whole new meaning to 'other-worldly',
so maybe he just hadn't noticed that there was anything strange.

It didn't matter to AJ.  Doesn't matter until afterwards, when
Chris curls up against his chest and starts talking.

"Admire you, man.  For what you did.  Everyone else's probably
already told you the same thing, but, yeah.  Had to start over a
few times in my own life, hell," and Chris laughed, breath puffing
against him, but it didn't sound like he was amused, "I'm *still*
having to start over, and I know it never gets any easier.  Gets
better sometimes, but never any easier."

He doesn't really want to hear it, but AJ's still a guy, and after
sex, he feels pretty damn happy with the world, even if he's got to
hear one more time about rehab and his sobriety.  "Yeah."

"Sorry, don't mean to be a downer."  Chris strokes his skin,
sweeping down his side and ending up rubbing circles on AJ's
stomach.  "Everybody's got problems, me as much as you, only I'm
not forced to advertise them."  He laughs again, the same bitter
barking sound.  "That was my problem, really.  Nobody'd ever heard
of Fumanskeeto.  And I'm doing it again.  Sorry."

AJ doesn't know what to do.  He likes the feeling of Chris' hand,
how it's like Chris is trying to comfort him, even though AJ hasn't
asked for it, and doesn't want it.  He shifts his arm so his hand
is in Chris' spiky hair, carding through it.  "It's okay."

"Thanks."

The next morning, Chris is still there.  He's nearly bouncing off
the balcony by the time AJ gets up.  They have sex again when Chris
jumps on him, but AJ's not complaining.  Chris is enthusiastic,
dirty, and inventive.  He acts like he's five years younger than
AJ, rather than the reverse, and when AJ gets out of the shower,
Chris is already eating breakfast.

"You wanna do something today?" AJ asks after he's had coffee and
picked at the eggs.

Chris is already up again, dumping his dishes in the sink.  "How
about going down to the beach?"

AJ shrugs.  "It's just sand and water.  And it's a lot of hassle
going somewhere that popular."

"Dude, it's October.  It's almost winter.  Who'll be there?"

"This is California.  And Los Angeles.  There's always someone
there."

"There's always someone everywhere," Chris says, but he lets the
subject drop.  AJ's glad, because really, Chris should understand
what it's like.  Sarah doesn't always, and it makes him peevish. 
There's places they can go, and places they can't.  Places like the
clubs in L.A. understand what it's like to have celebrities in the
house, and they accommodate the special necessities.  Less
trafficked public places are trouble; they have to call ahead and
get people cleared out, make a pain out of themselves.  And places
like the beach...  Really, as long as he'd been in L.A., he should
know someone with a private stretch of beach, but AJ was staying in
the Canyon, not Malibu, and he didn't.  But this *is* L.A., and so
there are still places they can go.  "Want to go shopping?"

He thinks maybe he's made a mistake for a second, but then Chris
lights up and AJ remembers, 'oh yeah, fashion designer'.

"Sure."  Chris claps his hands together.  "Rodeo Drive and don't
spare the credit cards!"

AJ chuckles, picks out a pair of sunglasses, and they go.

He has a surprisingly good time with Chris.  Chris doesn't suffer
morons gladly, but he's perfectly comfortable making older women
blush by flirting with them, and he has good taste.  He's fun and
funny.  Sarcastic and snarky as hell, and he plays dress-up with
the clothes, and Star Wars at the electronics store.  He's a big
freak, but at the end of the day, they're having dinner at a quiet
restaurant, and AJ is talking about real stuff for once.

And he likes it.

That's different, and at the end of the weekend, when Chris has to
fly out, AJ gives him his cell phone number and his email.  Because
he can get sex anywhere, but there aren't many people he can really
talk to.


*All at once you look across a crowded room 
To see the way that light attaches to a girl* 

It's late October, and AJ's in New York this time.  Following Sarah
around, because he can, because Backstreet's on hold and she isn't. 
And New York isn't exactly a hardship.  He likes cities, likes
different things about each of them.

He meets a familiar figure on the dance floor.  Chris again, and
they do a lot of the same charity events and award shows, so it's
not really strange that they should meet up occasionally.  Chris
lights up when he sees AJ, curves a casual hand around his arm, and
starts talking enthusiastically.  They've talked a lot since
California, and AJ's really closer to him than nearly anyone, but
then, AJ doesn't let people get close to him.

"...and, so you know, Fatone.  Fishnets.  Can you believe it?  So
how've you been, man?"

Sarah is coming back across the floor, and AJ swallows.  She's
smiling already, and she's beautiful, and he's going to marry her
when they get around to naming a date.  When he stops chickening
out about making a commitment.

She slides in the crook of his other arm and looks curiously at
Chris.  "Hi.  Whatcha doing in town?"

It isn't rude, not at all.  Sarah doesn't know about the thing with
Chris in L.A., and she wouldn't be bitchy about it if she did. 
She's not like that; she knows how AJ is.

Chris, though, recoils as though he's been slapped.  He darts a
quick look at AJ, then his eyes go cold and hard.  No light in them
at all, but he's smiling.  "Got this thing on Friday for the
multiple sclerosis people, but it's really just an excuse to catch
'Rent' again."

"Oh, we've seen that.  That was so good.  Joey was great."

"He is."

Chris doesn't look at AJ again, and AJ isn't sure what he did.


*If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would*

He calls Chris anyway.  "Hi.  It's AJ."

"What are you calling for, man?"

"The way you were acting at the club.  And now.  Why are you pissed
at me?"

"Oh, I don't know.  Maybe it's because you have a fiancee."

"But you knew that.  It's not new."

"AJ.  You slept with me."

"Yeah.  And?"

There was a long silence.  "Okay.  So maybe I'm not understanding
the situation too well, but in my world, when people are engaged
and then sleep with other people, that's called cheating.  And I'm
not really cut out for the role of the other woman.  I don't have
the legs for it."

"Me and Sarah, we have this understanding."

"Understanding."

"Yeah."

"So she knows you sleep with other people.  That you slept with
me."

"Not you specifically, but yeah."

"That's so reassuring.  Look, like I said before, I'm not going to
be the other woman.  Don't call me anymore, okay?"

Chris hangs up, and AJ looks at the phone.  What the fuck?  He
hadn't made any promises to Chris.  And still, he'd just lost a
good friend because of some stupid sex thing.  What the fucking
hell?

He threw the phone across the room.  It didn't help.


*The smell of hospitals in winter 
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls*

Sarah tells him she's pregnant just before Thanksgiving.

AJ doesn't know how that happened.  All right, so he *knows*, but
he's careful.  Has to be, with his lifestyle, and he knows she's on
the Pill.  Knew she was on the Pill.

Except it failed or something, and she gets tight-lipped and
changes the subject when he tries to bring it up.

She's pregnant, and it's his, and he's pretty much got to get
married, even though he doesn't want to, he realizes now.  Never
maybe really wanted to, except he wanted someone to love and
someone to love him who wasn't going anywhere, who was his. 
Because he needed it.  Except he doesn't need Sarah, and maybe it's
just a panic reaction.

He hopes it's just a panic reaction.  He's backed into a corner
now, and he's going to have to go through with this, and raise a
kid with Sarah, and so he hopes he's just panicking.  That it'll
get better, that he'll get better.

He calls Chris one late night, when the pressure's really bad and
Sarah's at one of her girlfriends'.  "Hey, Chris.  Don't hang up. 
I need to talk to you."

"AJ," Chris says warily.

"I need to tell you something.  It's important."

"So tell me."

And he does.  Spills the whole story, about how he decided to do
this one thing, and it isn't at all what he thought it'd be, and
now that there's going to be a baby, he doesn't know what he's
going to do, because he was wrong.  So incredibly wrong about what
he wanted and who he is, and he's stuck into this course of action,
this whole new life that he doesn't want, and he doesn't know what
to do.

Chris listens to him, and AJ's biting back tears when he's done
because he's never told anyone this, has pretended to be happy,
pretended this was what he'd wanted all along.

"AJ..."

"Yeah?"

"Don't call me again.  I went through this once with Fatone, and
I'm not doing it again with you.  I'm sorry for you, but it's your
life.  You have to decide what you're going to do."

And he hangs up.  Again.

AJ doesn't throw the phone, but he does go to bed, and curls up,
staring out the window and stroking circles on his stomach.

It's only about a week later when Sarah complains about cramping. 
They don't think that much of it, because something's always
hurting when you're dancing and singing and working out, but it
gets worse, and then she's in the hospital, and things move very
quickly.

Miscarriage is the word they use, but AJ is having a hard time even
being in the hospital.  Associates it with Brian and fear.  And
now, dying.

The baby -- and it wasn't even a baby yet, not really -- is dead.

It hasn't even really sunk in yet when Sarah breaks up with him. 
She's lying in the hospital bed, dispirited and tired, and he makes
the mistake of asking her if she's sure.

She turns her head and looks at him, and then suddenly this
listless creature is screaming at him.  "You never wanted a baby
anyway!  Never wanted me!  You asshole!"

He jumps back, and she breaks into tears.  Her mother is there, and
a nurse, and then another nurse is ushering him out of the room
telling him that this happens, that women sometimes blame their
partner for the loss of a baby, and that it's difficult, but it's
something they can get over.  She gives him a pamphlet, and AJ
turns it over in his hands and doesn't read it.

Sarah doesn't get over it.  She goes home with her mother, and
sends a mover for her things.

AJ lets her have them.  She was right, and he doesn't know what
else to do.

There's sympathy cards.  AJ throws them out without reading them. 
He doesn't deserve sympathy; he didn't want any of this anyway, and
maybe it's his fault all of this happened, if he'd cared, maybe
things would have been different...

No.  It would have still turned out the same.  Except he'd still
have Sarah and maybe he'd love her, except he doesn't, and he's no
longer marrying someone he doesn't love, and that's good, right?

It doesn't feel good.

Nothing does.  He moves back to California, to get away from
Orlando, where it all happened.  He can't bear Florida anymore, and
maybe California is just a different set of rooms, since he never
leaves his house, but it's still different, and he needs that.


*And it's one more night in Hollywood 
Been so long since I've seen the ocean... guess I should*

Twenty days alone in Los Angeles.  Everyone knows now, in their
inner circle, but they haven't called, not since Florida.  He
hasn't bothered to hook up his phone.  He doesn't want to talk to
them.

AJ drives down to Santa Monica, to the pier, because that's where
you go, and he doesn't have anyplace else to be.  It's late enough
that there aren't that many people out.  Dark, except for the
streetlights, and it takes him a while to find a parking spot, and
he doesn't see the ocean until he's up the slight hill and over the
walkway.

It's glowing, reflecting back the lights.  Los Angeles is never
dark; the smog reflects back the light even at 4 a.m., but it's a
dark kind of light, a light that makes the shadows even more clear.

He walks down into the sand, and out to the pier.

It's an ocean; it's water moving, and it's nothing he didn't expect
it to be.  The ocean is the ocean, and there's nothing to see that
he hasn't seen a thousand times before.  The breeze moves in his
hair, ruffling it, and he sticks his hands in his pockets as he
walks down to the end of the pier.

There's someone standing at the very end, looking out over the
water.  AJ stops before he makes it that far; he doesn't want to
share this with someone else, has had to share too much already in
his life.  Looks for another place to stand that isn't taken, and
the short guy turns a little; his hair is darker than the ocean and
AJ knows him.  Chris looks at him, then looks back at the ocean,
but he doesn't leave.

He's been here before, but never quite like this, and AJ takes his
hands out of his pockets and steps forward.

*and there's reason to believe 
maybe this year will be better than the last*