Pairing: Kevin and Nick
Words: collusion; martyr; angel; tush


Nick knew Kevin watched him.

Had figured it was because Kevin wanted to protect him or,
occasionally, strangle him, depending on what Nick had just been up
to.  Just normal behavior on Kevin's part really and Brian watched
out for Nick, too, so it wasn't like he wasn't used to the guys
looking out for him.

Except if Kevin was really trying to look out for him, then he
should be looking at the people *around* Nick, right?  Like Brian
did.  Instead of at Nick's sweet tush.

Okay, so he had a good ass; he worked hard on keeping it that way,
but this was *Kevin*.  Not-homosexual Kevin.  Married Kevin.  Kevin
who should *not* be admiring his tush, no matter how cute it was.

It was really weird being at the official meeting for the end of
the Backstreet Boys and standing up to pace and catching Kevin's
eyes firmly fastened at the level of Nick's crotch.  Really weird
as well as being kind of embarrassing and creepy.  Okay, so he was
male.  Nick couldn't deny that he'd thought about it.  About sex
with Kevin.  He'd also thought about that 'American Pie' thing with
the pie and had naked-type thoughts about jars of mayonnaise.  But
all of that was just thoughts.  Stuff he'd never do or even really
want to do.  This was different.  The way Kevin was looking at him
now was different, and it almost distracted him from his purpose.

"I'm going to go solo," Nick announced.  "I'm not over, even if the
group is.  I wanna keep making music.  It's my life."

AJ gave him a golf clap.  "Bravo."

"Good luck to you," Howie said.  "I'm tired of it myself.  I've
been doing this for too long.  I want out.  I can't imagine doing
this for another ten years, especially not starting over at the
bottom."

"From the bottom?"

The Jive guy cleared his throat, and no one wanted to tell him what
Howie meant, but eventually they did.  Somehow, the other guys had
known he was going solo even before he, Nick, did.  And neither
they nor the label was going to back him.  That they were all in
collusion together and that there was nothing he could say or do. 
He understood that way too clearly before they were through.

"Fine," he said, flushing red.  "I thought you guys -- I thought
*we* were supposed to be brothers.  Stick together like family."

Kevin gave him a half-smile.  "Since when has your family stood by
you?"

A very low blow, especially for someone who'd been leaving
eyeprints all over his ass.  "Okay, I get it.  Never mind then.  I
can do it.  Just don't... don't..."  He wanted to tell them never
to call him again, never to talk to him again, but even though he
was shaking with anger, Nick couldn't do it.  He hated them all
right now, Jive and Kevin and Howie and even Brian and AJ.  AJ had
clapped, but he'd known this and he hadn't done anything to change
it, wasn't speaking up or doing anything to stop it.  Neither was
Brian, and that hurt worse.  Brian had been acting strange for a
while now, ever since the whole breaking up thing had started, and
Nick felt uncomfortable around him lately, like he'd lost his best
friend without knowing what he'd done to lose him.

Kevin gave a heavy sigh.  "Don't act like such a martyr, Nick, like
you didn't know.  This has been coming for a long time."

Martyr?  He was pretty sure what that meant and just as sure that
he didn't like being called it.  "Fine.  Be that way."  He left.

Brian caught up with him in the parking lot.  "You okay, Nick?"

He didn't want to talk to Brian or anyone else right now.  "Like
you care."

"I do care, Frack.  But they'd already made up their minds to do
the thing, and I couldn't see as how anyone could talk them out of
it."

"But still.  Did you *see* Kevin?  He was being really..."  Nick
faltered, looking for words.

"Mean?"

"Creepy."

"Creepy how?"

"He kept looking at me funny.  Not like I was funny, but like..."
Nick waved his hands, "Wrong, y'know?"  He didn't really want to
*say* Kevin had been staring at his ass.  Not in the *parking lot*.

Brian seemed to get it though.  His eyes got all squinty and
narrow.  "He was, huh?"

"Yeah.  I mean, maybe I was imagining it..." Nick said, even though
he knew he wasn't, because he had to at least pretend to give Kevin
the benefit of the doubt or all the stuff that he didn't want to
say, all the stuff that Kevin's actions *implied* would be true. 
Like, Kevin's gay.  Kevin's married and hitting on me.  Kevin wants
me, but he's still a jerk and I wish he'd just die except then
there really wouldn't be anymore Backstreet Boys, and yeah.

Brian gave him a long look, then nodded, like something had
resolved itself for him.  "Whatever happens, it's not your fault. 
You understand that, Nick?"

"Um, no?"

"It's okay, Nick," Brian said, "you don't need to understand. 
Maybe it's better that you don't."

Nick shrugged.  "I can do that.  I'm good at not understanding
stuff.  So what do you think I should do about the group then?  And
Kevin?"  He stuck his hands in his pockets.  At least Brian was
acting like he was Nick's friend again, even if he was still being
weird and cryptic.  "I don't think y'all like me very much anymore
or something.  I feel like you're abandoning me, leaving me at the
store in the candy section and driving off without me, and Kevin's
the creepy guy in the corner who offers you free stuff, and um...
y'know, maybe that's kinda dumb.  I'm kinda dumb, I know that.  Is
that why you're leaving me?"

Brian looked at him, very serious, and Nick thought he might
actually give him a real answer, an adult answer, a grown-up
answer.  That'd be different.  All the guys seemed to see him as a
petulant little kid who'd never matured.  When he was in a good
mood, Kevin had been known to call Nick 'our little angel', which
was just wrong at Nick's age.  But then Brian threw his arm around
Nick's shoulder and said, "Let's get some ice cream, Frack."

He went along because ice cream was never a bad thing, especially
as rarely as he got to have it, and neither was time with Brian,
especially lately, when he felt that Brian, that all of them, were
pulling away.

****

AJ called him in the middle of the night.  Nick had been sleeping,
but the phone near his head was the line for important calls and it
never rang for anything trivial.

"Yeah?"

"Nick, have you seen Brian lately?"

Nick sat up and tried to think.  "Not since right after that
meeting we all had.  Why?"

"He's lost it.  Brian's fucking lost it.  Lock your door.  No,
don't do that.  He's got the code, doesn't he?  He's got everyone's
codes.  Leave the house.  Go stay in some hotel somewhere and don't
let anyone in.  Especially Brian.  Do you understand me, Nick?"

"Um, no, not really.  What's going on?  What's wrong with Brian?"

"He was just here.  Nick, I think he killed Howie.  I think he's
going to kill Kevin, too, and then maybe you."

Nick laughed, relieved.  He'd almost been worried up until then. 
"Very funny, AJ.  Geez, you almost scared me for a minute there. 
Frick would never do anything like that--"

"Nick, shut up.  Just shut the fuck up and listen.  Brian was just
here.  At my house.  He woke me up with a knife at my throat.  A
fucking knife at my fucking throat.  This is not the kind of thing
I would make up.  That anyone would make up?  You got me?  This is
fucking no-shit serious.  Brian stuck a fucking knife in my fucking
face and told me he was going to kill me.  And that's no joke. 
Okay?  I'm still freaked out."

"But he couldn't have *meant* it."

"He seemed serious to me.  You don't put a goddamned knife in
someone's face if you don't mean it."

"But this is *Brian*."

"Or his evil twin.  Trust me, I know what Brian looks like.  He's
lost his fucking mind."

"But he didn't kill you.  You're still alive, so he was just
kidding, right?"

"He was as serious as a heart attack."

Nick felt chilled.  That wasn't a phrase they used lightly, not
after what nearly happened to Brian.  AJ was telling the truth. 
"Are you okay?  I mean, what, how, why?  Is *he* okay?"

"Brian's fucking fine, except for being totally nuts.  Me... I
might be fine sometime in the future.  Not now.  Not after that. 
Shit.  I thought some of the stuff I'd seen and done before I
finally cleaned up was bad, but that was... worse.  Much worse. 
Intense.  He was there when I woke up and there was this scary
fucking knife and he said, 'Howie's gone, AJ.  I'm sorry it had to
come to this, but you've left me no choice,' and I just started
babbling, 'cause I was scared out of my fucking mind, saying shit
about why me, why now, why not before when I was a fucking drunk
and deserved to die and how he had terrible timing 'cause if he'd
done it then, I probably would have thanked him, but no, he has to
wait 'til now when I'm finally starting to want to live and he
looks at me and says, 'Change is good, Alex.  See that you stay
changed.  And protect Nick.  Remember that.  Always protect Nick.' 
And then he left.  So I'm telling you, Nick, get the fuck out of
that fucking house right now, 'cause I sure as hell don't know
what's going on in Brian's mind, but it's all about you and you
need to get moving *now*."

There was steel in that last word, as much command as there had
been fear in his earlier words.  Nick believed.  "Okay, AJ, okay. 
Calm down.  I'm going, okay?  Right now.  How about you?  Are you
someplace safe?"

AJ laughed, high-pitched and tinged with hysteria.  "You better
believe I got the fuck out.  But, sorry, Nicky.  Right now, I don't
trust you or anyone else with knowing where I am.  No offense, but
what you don't know, you can't tell."

"I get it.  But I still can't believe Brian would do anything like
this."

"Believe it, baby.  Believe it."  And AJ hung up.

Nick got out of bed, got dressed and went down to his car.  AJ said
he thought Brian was going after Kevin next, but he hadn't said why
he thought that, and Nick had forgotten to ask him.  Maybe AJ was
wrong.

But AJ had seemed very sure of himself.  And Nick remembered the
way Brian had looked at him in the parking lot, how Brian had
almost kinda sounded like he was... saying goodbye?

Heart pounding in his throat, he drove to Kevin's house.  Brian's
car was already there.  Nick felt a horrible sensation of dread,
like when you did something really bad in a dream but you hadn't
realized yet that it was a dream and that everything would be all
right.

Except everything wasn't going to be all right, was it?

He didn't want to go into that house.  He knew that now.  Knew it
suddenly.  He shouldn't have come here.  He definitely didn't want
to be there.

With shaking hands, Nick pulled his phone out and called 911. 
"Hello?" he said, voice trembling as bad as his hands.  "I think
maybe somebody's dead."

The operator talked to him calmly and Nick tried not to imagine
Brian's face staring back at him from one of the windows.  There
was no face there, but Nick kept seeing it anyway, white and pale,
distorted by some ghastly anger that Nick didn't understand.

****

They had three funerals, but only one memorial service.  There were
three portraits at the memorial service of each of the dead men,
and enough people in attendance that even Nick could almost get
lost in the crowd.

AJ stood, nervous and fidgety, next to Nick.  He was skittish,
edging away whenever anyone got close to him.  And everyone wanted
to get close to them, to say a few words, touch their sleeves, give
their condolences.

Eventually, Nick wrapped an arm around him to keep him still and AJ
settled, anchored to Nick's side.

"What the hell happened?" AJ said in a whisper pitched just to
Nick.  "I don't get it.  Kevin could be a total bastard sometimes,
but I don't get this.  I don't get why Howie.  And Brian.  Why?"

Nick shook his head.  "I dunno, Adge."  He'd thought about it a lot
while sitting outside Kevin's house in the dark, waiting for the
cops, about things he'd mostly tried to forget over the years, how
Brian had always been so nice to him, and been almost but not quite
so friendly to everyone else.  How Kevin and Brian weren't all that
close for being cousins like they were and how Brian would
sometimes just walk away from Kevin and not speak to him for days,
and Nick could never get anything out of Brian about what was
wrong.  How Brian made sure that Aaron was never left alone with
anyone but himself and Nick when he visited.  How Brian had seemed
to kinda collapse when they started making noises about ending the
group.  Stuff Nick had either not asked about or Brian hadn't given
him an answer about and Nick had let it go because it was Brian and
Brian would tell him if it was important and he needed to know.

But obviously there were some really important things that Nick had
needed to know and he still didn't.

They'd all treated him like a kid, no matter how much he'd grown,
and he wasn't one.  Hell of a way though to be forced to act like
a man though.

"I think maybe he was trying to protect me," Nick said.  "In his
own way.  He was mostly wrong about how he went about it, but he
was trying, y'know?  And I think there's stuff we didn't know
about, too."

AJ laughed hoarsely, a croaking sound.  "Like why he wanted to rip
my throat out?"

"Yeah.  Like that."

"He was nuts, Nick.  Who knows why crazy people do shit?  He
probably didn't have a reason."

"I dunno.  I think maybe he did."  He kept his arm around AJ, even
afterwards, after the service, when Aaron jumped on him and cried
on him because of course he didn't know, nobody knew the whole
story.  Aaron just knew that three of his big brothers were gone.

After a bit, Aaron asked him quietly, "Is it okay if I don't miss
them all that much?"

AJ stiffened on Nick's other side.

"Why's that, kiddo?" Nick asked gently.

Aaron hid his face against Nick.  "It's stupid."

"It's not stupid."

"You don't know."

"Of course, I don't know.  You haven't told me yet.  C'mon,
Mini-Me."

Aaron grinned up at him with the use of the nickname, but it
disappeared quickly.  "Howie used to... y'know..." he peeked at AJ,
whose expression was hidden by his sunglasses, "look at me funny. 
I know it sounds stupid because everyone does that, but it was
Howie, y'know.  And there was this one time..."

"What?" Nick asked, when Aaron trailed off and didn't continue.

"Dunno.  Howie was holding me on his lap, and then Brian came in
and then Howie left and we played Tetris for a couple of hours. 
It's a really dumb game, y'know?  But Brian liked it.  I'm gonna
miss him most."

"Yeah, me too," Nick said.

AJ didn't say anything, and Nick wished he had a way to protect
him, but there had never been a way to protect AJ from anything
except by being there and hoping AJ would realize that and let you
in.

He stood there, Aaron under one arm and AJ under the other, making
a pretty picture for the cameras, and thought he would do anything
to protect them if he knew they were being hurt, so maybe he
understood a little why Brian had done what he'd done, and Nick
would have done something similar if he thought it would do any
good, if he thought there was any way to protect AJ from himself or
Aaron from the legions of people who wanted to hold him down and do
nasty things that Aaron was far from ready for.

If he thought it would do any good.  Nick knew it wouldn't.  He
loved Brian, but what Brian had done was senseless.  Nick would
rather have Brian alive, as a friend, than like this.

Nick'd do better for Aaron and AJ, because they needed him.  Maybe
even more than he'd needed Brian.