Pairing: Justin and Lance
Words: fucktoy; go; thimble; gesture


"No means no," Lance says carefully into the phone.  "I'm no one's
fucktoy.  I don't care if you didn't mean it like that.  That's
sure as hell how it came across.  No.  You won't.  That's the
point.  You're never going to fuck me again."  Lance turns off the
cell phone, then the ringer.

He drops the phone into a pocket and looks up at Justin.  "Do you
have a reason for listening in, or does is my misery just that
fascinating?"

Justin doesn't say anything, just walks over and hugs Lance
tightly.

Lance pushes ineffectually at him.  "Go away."

Justin doesn't let go.  It's a technique he learned from Joey.  It
always works.  "You did good," he says quietly into Lance's hair.

"How?" Lance asks bitterly.  He isn't accepting the hug, but he's
given up on trying to refuse the gesture.  "It's my fault to begin
with."

"How is it your fault?" Justin asks, towing Lance over to a chair
and pulling him down.

Lance resists the pull, but ends up awkwardly sprawled over Justin
anyway.  He wants to roll off Justin's lap and get away, but he's
having trouble justifying that option when Justin's hugging him
close.  "I chose him.  Decided to settle for not-quite-good-enough,
knowing all of the problems."

"You didn't want to be alone any more.  There's nothing wrong with
giving it a go, you know.  How else are you supposed to know if
it'll ever work out?  You ended it when things got bad."  Justin
squeezes Lance a little.  "So I'm all proud, because, hey.  If
nothing else, you're smarter than me."

Lance shakes his head.  "I broke my cardinal rule of dating. 
Mistakes don't get worse than that."

"What's that?"

"Never think you can change anybody."

Justin nods.  "I suppose."

Lance is unwinding a bit as Justin continues to refuse to let go of
him.  It makes him feel like Justin actually cares, that he'll stay
around and keep hugging.  "I knew he had a terrible track record
for relationships and figured, hey, all I want is sex.  That'll
work.  Stupid.  Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Justin pulls Lance's chin up.  "You're not stupid."

Lance refuses to meet his eyes.

Justin kisses Lance on the cheek.  "You're not."

"Self-destructive then."

"You're not.  You're just looking, like the rest of us."

"Fine.  We can all go kill ourselves together.  It'll be fun.  A
group outing."

Justin shakes his head and gestures into space.  "But it's out
there, you know?  Love.  What we're looking for.  It's somewhere."

"I wasn't looking for love.  I was looking for sex."  Lance's voice
is harsh.  "Couldn't find that either."

"Dude.  He didn't wanna sex you up?"

"Oh, he wanted to.  Me and the other people he was also fucking. 
Without protection."

Justin holds Lance tighter.  "Oh, Jesus."

"I'm probably safe, given that I *do* use protection.  Probably. 
I should get tested again anyway.  The hell of it is that I *knew*
AJ was like this.  I knew he'd done stuff like this before.  I just
thought, y'know, maybe he'd gotten over it along with the
drinking."

Justin kisses Lance again.  "I hoped so, too.  I think he's still
trying real hard to find what he needs, only he's not smart like
you.  He doesn't know how to look."

"Obviously, I don't know how to look either, since I was looking at
him."

"But now at least you know he's wrong."  Justin blinks and his eye
lashes scrape Lance's cheek.

"One down, seven billion to go.  Thank you.  I feel so much better
now."

Justin sighs.  "Look.  We can either play Monopoly -- and you can
be the thimble -- or we can go, like, make out.  Because *I* think
you're sexy and hot and, you know, kinda perfect.  And I'm legal
now, and so are you, and we're both single and you're not a bitch
-- in the bad way."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm pretty sure you heard me."

"I heard you.  I'm just having trouble believing what I heard."

"Oh."  Justin digests that for a moment.  "Okay.  You wanna play
Monopoly and think about it then?  I know taking all my money
always cheers you up."

"No.  I want to take something jagged and use it to rip into
something.  I don't think Monopoly's a good idea."  It's a sideways
warning to Justin, too.

Justin sighs.  "Well, okay.  But, y'know.  Think of it later."  He
shifts, pulling Lance more comfortably against him.

"Monopoly?  I don't want to play games."  Lance closes his eyes. 
He stays still for a second.  "Don't want to use you either."

"I'm not one to be used.  I'd make you see me, don't worry.  I've
just been thinking about it for a while now, but there was never a
chance to bring it up before.  No pressure.  We're cool."  Justin
starts petting Lance's hair.  It's so soft without the gel in it.

"I can't guarantee anything," Lance says, something tight in him
starting to unwind.  "Either way.  I don't know if this is gonna be
just sex or more or what.  You're getting me at a bad time."

"I know.  But at least I get you.  Like I said, you never know
until you try."

"I have a history of making stupid decisions," Lance says, moving
in so his head is closer to Justin's, their bodies pressed more
closely together.

"I'll try not to be one of them."

Lance kisses Justin.  Still holding back, because he's not sure
what he's feeling, how much of what's roiling inside him is anger
at himself, anger at AJ or sadness.  It's going to be easy to need
too much from Justin tonight.  More than 'just sex' covers.

Justin gently disengages from Lance's hard kiss.  "If we're doing
this, we're doing it right.  That means we've got all the time we
need.  Slow down."  He smiles at Lance.  "I'm going to savor this."

"That *was* slow," Lance says, letting some of his frustration
show.

Justin laughs and shows Lance slow.

Afterward, long afterward, they lay in bed together.  Justin had
shown him so slow that, in frustration, Lance had tried to take
control -- and Justin had used his greater strength to control
Lance and make it still slower.  Lance had cried before he came.

Justin's still there, too.  Lance doesn't know what to say.  'Thank
you' seems right, but barely adequate.  He doesn't know.  "I still
feel hollow," Lance says instead.

Justin rolls against Lance, holding him close.  "That's what this
part is about.  We had to get that out of the way to get to this." 
 And he holds Lance and whispers secrets and compliments and
truths.  He pushes all the caring he feels out through his chest in
and into Lance.  This is what Justin *really* thinks of as making
love.

"Justin," Lance says painfully.  "Don't tell me things like that. 
Please.  You can't possibly mean them and it hurts."

Justin shakes his head.  "I mean them.  I wouldn't say them if I
didn't mean them.  I promise.  You know I never could lie to you."

"I don't.  I didn't anyway.  I suppose I do now."

Justin holds Lance, rocks them both slightly.  "I need you to know
what I really think of you.  I need there not to be secrets I'm
hiding from you.  So, I tell you what I really think of you right
now.  You know where you stand with me, then.  And you can always
ask me anything."

"And where do I stand with you?"

"I'd like to be your boyfriend and for you to be mine.  Monogamous. 
But if that's not what you want right now, I understand.  We can do
this-- sleep together occasionally or regularly, or it can just be
this time.  It's up to you.  I'll ask you out again later, though,
that's for sure."

Lance wants to laugh himself sick.  Everything goes wrong and the
guy he's been seeing humiliates him thoroughly and puts his life at
risk, and now here's Justin offering him everything tied up in a
bow?  "Why now?"

"You're not dating now.  Neither am I.  And we're both legal."

Lance nods.  "Granted.  But I'm no prize right now."  He smiles
crookedly at Justin.  "I'm a bad bet.  Right at this moment, I
don't care all that much what you want."

"I can deal with that."

"You're stupid."

"Yes, I kinda am."

Lance nods.  "Okay."

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, I'm stupid enough to try again.  I want more of this," Lance
brushes his hand over Justin's skin, "and I'm just selfish enough
to take you up on it."

"Good.  That way I won't be all diva and too selfish.  You won't
let me."  Justin grins and pulls Lance closer.  "Now.  Did you
wanna show *me* fast?"

"Thought you only liked slow."

"Nope.  But I was taking my time.  You're worth taking time on."

Lance smiles at that.  A real smile.  "Don't ever stop trying to
make me feel special and this just might work," he says.  He kisses
Justin hard, using his tongue to communicate how much he needs to
feel someone touching him.  His hands show the same thing, roaming
over Justin's body.  "I don't need to do it again.  But I want to."

Justin laughs.  "Good.  Me too."  He pulls Lance's hand down,
proving his want.  "Fast."

Lance flashes white teeth and rolls over on top of him.  "You got
it."